Next stop Prague

🇨🇿 NEXT STOP PRAGUE! LT. GOVNA AND THE CELERY CONNECTION!

A BigSaltyDog Special — The Mission, The Mystery and The Promotion!

Govna had barely recovered from his last trip when he decided it was time for another little adventure. This time, he was off to Prague, armed with a suitcase, a pocketful of cash, and absolutely no intention of spending his evenings watching television in the hotel.

After a few drinks in the city centre, he found himself wandering down a rather dodgy side street when a flickering red sign caught his eye. Behind a grubby door lay a gentleman's club that looked as though it hadn't seen a proper clean since the fall of the Berlin Wall. The carpet was sticky, the lighting was questionable, and the clientele looked like they'd all been thrown out of somewhere else.

Govna grinned.

"Now we're talking!"

He settled himself at the bar, ordered a drink, and tried to look like a man who knew exactly what he was doing. He'd barely taken his first sip when a beautiful blonde woman appeared beside him, leaned close, and whispered in his ear.

"Business or pleasure, Govna?"

He gave her a wink.

"A bit of both, if you know what I mean!"

Then he lowered his voice and added:

"And bring the celery!"

The blonde burst out laughing.

Whether the celery ever arrived remains one of the great mysteries of the Prague nightlife scene.

Several hours later, Govna eventually made his way back to the hotel, looking remarkably pleased with himself.

The following morning, he ordered a large breakfast, several cups of coffee and sat down to prepare his official report.

It contained three words:

"Mission accomplished. Excellent hospitality."

Govna subsequently added a few pages of observations about Czech culture, the local nightlife and what he described as the importance of maintaining good international relations.

The celery, however, received its own separate paragraph.

🎖️ THE REPORT TO STG. SALTY

Upon returning home, Govna marched into headquarters, saluted Stg. Salty, and placed a thick envelope on his desk.

"Sir! My official report from Prague!"

Stg. Salty opened the envelope.

Inside were two pages of observations about Czech culture, a detailed assessment of the local hospitality industry, and a restaurant recommendation that simply read:

Ask for the celery.

Stg. Salty stared at the paperwork.

He read it again.

Then he looked at Govna.

"Why, Govna! This is your best work yet!"

Govna stood proudly.

"Thank you, sir! I gave it everything I had!"

"I can see that! Your research is thorough, your observations are detailed, and your recommendations are... unusually specific."

Stg. Salty rose from his chair.

"Effective immediately, I am promoting you!"

Govna's jaw dropped.

"Sir?"

"You heard me! From this day forward, you shall be known as LT. GOVNA!"

🍻 THE MISFITS REACT!

News of Govna's promotion spread through Saltyville like wildfire.

Danny Boy was first through the door.

"Hold on a minute! I've known Govna for years! We travelled together, drank together, discussed women together, and now he's a bloody Lieutenant? What about me?"

Stg. Salty looked up from his desk.

"Danny Boy, your last contribution to headquarters was eating the emergency biscuits."

"Well, somebody had to!"

Ye Olde Large Lad let out a tremendous laugh.

"LT. GOVNA! I LOVE IT! Although I reckon he got the promotion for services to the celery industry rather than military intelligence!"

McFinleyyy was already investigating the Prague report.

"I've read the document twice. There's a suspicious lack of detail about the evening's activities. I think we need a full parliamentary inquiry!"

Sarah and Susan were absolutely delighted.

Sarah raised her glass.

"Well, good for Govna! At least somebody around here is getting somewhere!"

Susan nodded.

"I just hope the new uniform comes with a decent travel allowance. Knowing Govna, he'll be booking another flight before the weekend!"

Then came a familiar voice from the doorway.

"Have I missed something?"

It was Quags!

The old troublemaker had returned, and he wasn't about to let a promotion pass without comment.

"So let me get this straight. Govna disappears to Prague, visits a rather questionable establishment, comes home talking about celery, and gets promoted?"

Stg. Salty nodded proudly.

"That's correct, Quags."

Quags shook his head.

"I've been here years and all I've got is a parking fine!"

At this point, Kristen Bell entered the room, smiling as she heard the commotion.

"Well, congratulations, Lieutenant! I think somebody owes us all a proper celebration."

Govna, who had been standing quietly in the corner enjoying his newfound importance, immediately stepped forward.

"Thank you, Kristen. A pleasure to have you here. Drinks are on me!"

Danny Boy nearly fell off his chair.

"Drinks are on YOU? Since when?"

"Since my promotion, Danny. Try to keep up!"

The room erupted in laughter.

🥬 THE NEXT MISSION?

Stg. Salty finally raised his hand.

"Right, that's enough! We have a new Lieutenant, an old Quags, two very happy ladies, and a Danny Boy who clearly needs a job."

He turned towards Govna.

"Lieutenant, your next assignment awaits."

Govna straightened his jacket.

"Where to, sir?"

Stg. Salty smiled.

"That's classified."

Govna winked.

"Excellent. Shall I pack the celery?"

The entire room burst into laughter.

Danny Boy shook his head.

"That man is a danger to international relations!"

Kristen Bell was still laughing, Sarah and Susan were enjoying their drinks, McFinleyyy was demanding access to the classified report, and Ye Olde Large Lad was already suggesting a celebratory banquet.

Quags simply muttered:

"I want whatever he's having!"

And so, Lt. Govna's international career had officially begun.

Prague had been conquered. His report had impressed the boss, and the Misfits had a new hero.

Some promotions are earned through hard work. Others are earned through extraordinary circumstances.

And in Govna's case, apparently, a little bit of both!

THE END... OR PERHAPS JUST THE BEGINNING!

🍻🐕 BIGSALTYDOG EXCLUSIVE: LT. GOVNA — THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE CELERY!