BigSaltyDog

Right, settle down, you maggots. Salty back on the mic. After that first tour of duty observing Sharon's domestic hellscape—codenamed Six-Pack of Doom —I realized two things. One, Sharon is drinking a volume of lukewarm, sugary tea that could float a small frigate. Two, the Misfits need hands-on experience in dealing with high-level, persistent threat scenarios. And there is no greater threat than a six-year-old with a glitter shaker and a grudge. So, for her monthly ‘sanity break’ (which involves two hours sitting in a car park and weeping silently), I deployed Squid . Squid, as you know, is technically brilliant but possesses the emotional resilience of a damp digestive biscuit. He has high-functioning anxiety and views anything that doesn't follow a predictable algorithm as an existential threat. Perfect for babysitting. I told him it was a simple surveillance operation requiring only basic containment and data logging. I watched him approach the house, clutching a backpack...