BigSaltyDog

  The Triumph of Operation BEAN STORM The Leopard2 tank hissed to a halt outside the café, its massive shadow rolling over the footpath like the arrival of caffeinated destiny. The civilians didn’t scream — they were used to Salty and his misfits by now — but they definitely stared. Sarah smiled politely. Susan waved. WhizzAir Winky yelled out the hatch, “DON’T WORRY! WE’RE JUST GETTING COFFEE!” The barista inside dropped his spoon. Salty stood up, triumphant. “Right team. Let’s get in there before the lattes go into hiding.” Lucy jumped down from the tank, landing with surprising grace. “Okay, this is already the best mission ever.” McFinleyyy fixed his hair, winking at two passers-by. “Ladies, don’t mind the armour. It’s standard procedure.” Ron Beefmaster grumbled, “If these caramel-foam things aren’t good, I’m suing someone.” Entering the Café The door chimed delicately as the entire squad piled in like a parade of organised chaos. Customers froze mid-sip. A t...

  Chaos, Camaraderie, and… Coffee? Salty gathered the squad in the main briefing room — a big word for a space that was technically a storage container with chairs, a dodgy projector, and a whiteboard permanently stained with the words DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON (AGAIN). Lucy sat proudly in the front row, her newly laminated “Solider” badge clipped to her jacket, slightly crooked but worn with honour. Sarah whispered to Susan, “She looks adorable.” Susan whispered back, “She looks prepared. God help her.” Salty slapped a folder dramatically onto the table. “Aight misfits — today’s objective is simple…” He paused. The room leaned in. Even Ron Beefmaster stopped folding his arms long enough to care. “…we’re getting coffee .” The squad exhaled the collective sigh of people who expected explosions and espionage, not a caffeine run. The Govna raised his hand. “Sir, permission to clarify: is this a tactical acquisition, or merely a procurement operation?” Salty wagged a fi...

  The Grand Tour of Salty HQ** The next morning, Lucy arrived at Salty Base of Operations , which looked—depending on your eyesight—either like: A state-of-the-art tactical HQ or A glorified shed with ambition Salty insisted on the first. The misfits insisted on the second. As Lucy walked through the gates, the entire squad perked up like meerkats on caffeine. Sarah nudged Susan. “She’s here! The new Solider!” “She’s far too pretty for this place,” Susan whispered. WhizzAir Winky ran up first, skidding to a stop. “PRIVATE LUCY, REPORTING FOR… eh… VISITING!” She saluted back dramatically. “Permission to look around?” “Aye, granted,” Salty said, puffing out his chest like a proud rooster. He guided her deeper into the compound. There were half-assembled gadgets, a couple of suspiciously smoking crates, and The Govna arguing with a vending machine about “constitutional snacking rights.” But none of that caught Lucy’s attention. Because suddenly… She saw it ....

  The music eased into something calmer as the misfits regrouped at their favourite wobbly high-top table, still buzzing from the chaos of the dancefloor. Lucy was glowing—part happiness, part adrenaline, part “Salty just kissed me while WhizzAir Winky narrated it like a sports commentator.” Sarah and Susan exchanged a knowing look. Both stepped forward like two glamorous bouncers at the doorway of destiny. “Lucy,” Sarah said, adjusting her hair with ceremony. “Lucy,” Susan echoed, striking a dramatic pose. Salty blinked. “Eh… what’s goin’ on here?” Sarah announced, “We would like to officially welcome Lucy…” Susan finished, “…to the Sisterhood of Sanity Preservation.” Lucy giggled. “What’s that?” Sarah leaned in. “It’s the elite group of women who cope with that lot on a daily basis.” Susan nodded. “Comes with perks, free coffee, and emotional hazard pay.” The group cheered. Ye Olde Large Lad raised his drink like a toastmaster from the medieval era. “To Lucy—ma...

  The dancefloor finally began to slow down after Salty performed a move that experts (aka Sarah and Susan) would later describe as “a controlled explosion with legs.” Lucy wiped a tear from her eye from laughing so hard. “You’re unbelievable, Salty,” she giggled. Salty straightened up, chest out, hands on hips like a superhero who had definitely not just nearly kicked a speaker off its stand. “Aye Lucy,” he said with pride. “They don’t call me Sgt. Salty for nothin’. Well… actually they do. But still.” For a moment—just a moment—the chaos faded. The misfits were catching their breath. The lights softened into warm colours. The music slowed into something suspiciously romantic, courtesy of Funji Squallshy who accidentally hit the wrong button while chasing a moth. Lucy stepped closer. So did Salty. The atmosphere went from comedy… to awkward comedy with a sprinkle of tension. Sarah nudged Susan. “Ooooh look at that.” “Go on Salty boy!” whispered McFinleyyy, adjusti...

  The moment DJ Funji Squallshy dropped the first beat, the entire room vibrated. Lucy’s eyes lit up. “Ohhh I LOVE this song!” she squealed, grabbing Sarah, Susan, and—accidentally—WhizzAir Winky, who was swept into the excitement. Sgt. Salty took a deep breath. A hush fell, the kind that precedes regret. And then—it happened. The Salty Shuffle . A dance so legendary, so physically questionable, that Ye Olde Large Lad had to steady himself on a table. Salty flung one arm in the air and his legs moved as though they had each downloaded different, dodgy dance tutorials. Lucy burst out laughing. “Oh my God, he dances like someone rebooted mid-move!” “That’s the Salty charm, that is,” McFinleyyy declared, adjusting his tie. “Unpredictable. Unhinged. Unmistakably… Salty .” WhizzAir Winky, committed to the chaos, attempted a spin but accidentally helicoptered into Ramadan Patel, creating an accidental Beyblade battle on the dancefloor. Sarah and Susan were living for it. “Go on Salty! S...