Russell Brand not guilty in a court of salty law

Stg. Salty and the Misfits delivering their own verdict. It’s written as fictional satire, not a claim about the real court proceedings.

 ⚖️ THE MISFITS FIND RUSSELL BRAND NOT GUILTY!

Stg. Salty’s Court of Absolute Nonsense Delivers Its Verdict!

There are courts of law, courts of appeal, and then there is the highly questionable justice system of Saltyville, where the wigs are crooked, the paperwork has gone missing, and the judge has already asked where the tea and biscuits are.

This particular morning, Stg. Salty had decided that the Misfits needed to settle an important matter. Russell Brand had been dominating the headlines, and everyone seemed to have an opinion.

“Right, lads and ladies,” announced Salty, banging an old wooden spoon against the table. “Today, we shall conduct our own trial. And before anybody asks, no, we haven't got a proper courtroom. The community hall will have to do.”

Quags immediately objected.

“Is this legally binding?”

“Of course not,” replied Salty. “Neither is your haircut, but you insist on keeping it.”

The courtroom erupted.

Sarah and Susan were appointed as the prosecution and defence, although neither could remember which side they were supposed to represent. Ye Olde Large Lad was promoted to chief of security, mainly because nobody else could fit into the doorway while wearing a ceremonial helmet.

Meanwhile, WhizzAir was instructed to deliver the court documents. He returned three minutes later, sweating heavily.

“Where are the documents?” asked Salty.

“Wrong building,” gasped WhizzAir. “I delivered them to a kebab shop.”

Salty closed his eyes and counted to ten.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is precisely why we cannot have nice things.”

Eventually, the proceedings began. The Misfits debated headlines, public opinion, allegations and the importance of allowing proper legal processes to take their course. Danny Boy suggested that everyone should calm down and have a cup of tea. Captain Morgan suggested something considerably stronger, which was immediately ruled inadmissible.

Then came the moment everyone had been waiting for.

Salty stood, adjusted his uniform and addressed the assembled crowd.

“Let the record show that this is a fictional verdict from the Court of Saltyville. We are not a real court, we have no legal authority, and our entire legal department consists of Susan, a broken laptop and a bloke who once watched a documentary.”

There was a pause.

“So, what's the verdict?” demanded Quags.

Salty raised his wooden spoon.

“NOT GUILTY! According to the completely imaginary court of Saltyville!”

The hall erupted into cheers, boos and one unexplained explosion from outside, which everyone agreed was probably the Leopard 2 tank backfiring.

But Sarah raised an important point.

“Hang on. Our verdict doesn't change anything in a real court, does it?”

“Absolutely correct,” said Salty. “Real cases must be decided on the evidence and the law, not on what a bunch of lunatics in Saltyville think.”

For once, everyone nodded in agreement.

And so the Misfits' extraordinary court adjourned, leaving behind three empty biscuit tins, a missing wooden spoon and a legal bill of precisely zero euros.

As Salty locked the hall, he turned to Quags.

“Same time next week?”

“What are we judging?”

“Who stole my biscuits.”

Quags immediately requested a solicitor.

THE END

Russell Brand, Stg Salty, The Misfits, BigSaltyDog, Comedy Satire, Saltyville, Fictional Courtroom