When Salty Got Stung at the Pump and Fell in Love with the Garage

When Salty Got Stung at the Pump and Fell in Love with the Garage

BigSaltyDog – Petrol Prices, Diesel, Taxes and One Very Unusual Romance

There are some things in life you simply cannot prepare yourself for.

You can prepare for Irish weather.

You can prepare for traffic on the M50.

You can even prepare yourself for the emotional trauma of checking your bank account after a night out with the Misfits.

But nobody was prepared for what happened when Salty and the gang stopped at the filling station.

It was supposed to be a quick stop.

Fuel up.

Pay.

Leave.

Simple.

Unfortunately, this was the Misfits.

Nothing is ever simple.

THE LEOPARD 2 NEEDS DIESEL

Stg. Salty had arrived at the filling station in his trusty car, while the mighty Leopard 2 tank was parked nearby.

The tank wasn't there for decoration.

It needed diesel.

Lots of it.

Ye Olde Large Lad was standing beside the tank holding the fuel hose.

"How much does this thing take?"

Salty looked at him.

"Enough."

"That's not a number."

"It's the only number you need."

Danny Boy wandered over and looked at the diesel price.

His smile disappeared.

"Jaysus."

Govna joined him.

"What?"

"Look at the price of diesel."

Govna stared at the pump.

Then he stared again.

Then he took his glasses off.

Then he put them back on.

"Surely that's wrong."

Danny Boy shook his head.

"Nope."

Govna pointed at the display.

"That's not diesel."

"What is it?"

"Liquid gold."

THE GREAT FUEL FILL-UP

Salty's car was first.

The pump started.

€10.

€20.

€30.

€40.

McFinleyyy watched the numbers climbing.

"That's going fairly fast."

€50.

€60.

€70.

Sarah looked concerned.

Susan looked concerned.

Danny Boy looked traumatised.

Govna looked like he was preparing a speech.

€80.

€90.

The pump stopped.

Silence.

Salty looked at the receipt.

"That's a bit steep."

Danny Boy looked over his shoulder.

"A bit?"

Govna nearly fainted.

"We're paying for the fuel..."

He pointed at the receipt.

"...and then there's the tax."

Danny Boy nodded.

"By the time you leave the forecourt, your wallet needs medical attention."

Salty laughed.

"That's why I don't look at the receipt."

"You just did."

"I know."

"How's that working out?"

"Badly."

THEN CAME THE TANK

Everyone had forgotten about the Leopard 2.

Until it was time to fill it.

Large Lad grabbed the diesel hose.

"Right."

He inserted it into the tank.

The pump started.

€10.

€20.

€50.

€100.

Danny Boy looked nervous.

€200.

Govna backed away.

"That's enough!"

Large Lad shouted over the noise.

"It's a tank!"

"Yes!"

"It needs diesel!"

"I know!"

"Then stop complaining!"

€300.

The entire group stared.

McFinleyyy looked at Salty.

"How much is this going to cost?"

Salty shrugged.

"More than your house."

Danny Boy looked at Govna.

"Can we push it?"

Govna looked at the Leopard 2.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it's a Leopard 2."

"Fair point."

THE TANK HAS HAD ENOUGH

After the fuel drama, everyone climbed back into Salty's tank.

Salty turned the key.

Nothing.

He tried again.

Nothing.

The tank had completely refused to start.

Large Lad walked around the bonnet.

"She's had enough."

Salty looked confused.

"Had enough of what?"

"Everything."

The tank gave a little beep.

Sarah looked at Susan.

"I think she's upset."

Susan nodded.

"Definitely."

McFinleyyy looked at the fuel receipt.

"I don't blame her."

Then a mechanic from the garage walked over.

"What's wrong?"

Salty pointed at the Tank

"She won't start."

The mechanic opened the bonnet.

He checked a few things.

The Tank suddenly started.

"VROOOOM!" Dirty Diesel 

Everyone jumped.

Salty stared at the mechanic.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing much."

The car purred.

Sarah smiled.

"Oh."

"What?"

"I think she likes him."

LOVE AT FIRST REPAIR

The mechanic checked the oil.

The Tank purred.

He checked the threads.

The Tank beeped.

He cleaned the windscreen.

The headlights flashed.

Winky gasped.

"She's flirting!"

Danny Boy looked horrified.

"After paying that much for fuel, she's already found someone else?"

Govna nodded.

"That's the modern world."

Large Lad leaned towards Salty.

"Your car has a better love life than you."

Salty stared at him.

"Keep talking and you're walking home."

DANNY BOY AND GOVNA INVESTIGATE

While the Tank was falling in love with the mechanic, Danny Boy and Govna were still studying the fuel receipt.

Danny Boy pointed at the figures.

"Look at how much of the pump price goes on taxes and charges."

Govna nodded.

"That's the thing. The price motorists see at the pump isn't simply the wholesale cost of the fuel. Taxes and other charges form part of what we pay."

Danny Boy sighed.

"You put diesel into the tank..."

"...and money into the tax system," finished Govna.

Large Lad walked past.

"What about the tank?"

Everyone looked at the Leopard 2.

Govna pointed at it.

"That thing has just put enough diesel in itself to make the national budget nervous."

The tank's engine rumbled.

"BRRRRRRMMMMMM!"

Danny Boy jumped.

"I think it heard you."

THE FIRST DATE

A few days later, the car and the mechanic went on their first date.

The Misfits followed them.

Naturally.

The car was parked outside the garage while the mechanic sat beside it drinking tea.

Sarah smiled.

"That's actually quite sweet."

Susan nodded.

"They look happy."

Large Lad looked confused.

"Where's the restaurant?"

"It's a Tank."

"So?"

"It doesn't need a restaurant."

"What does it need?"

Everyone answered together.

"DIESEL!"

They all burst out laughing.

Danny Boy immediately stopped smiling.

"Don't say that word."

"Why?"

"It reminds me of the pump."

Govna nodded.

"And the receipt."

Everyone went quiet.

THE WEDDING

Eventually, the inevitable happened.

The car and the garage mechanic decided to make things official.

The Misfits organised the wedding.

It was held at the filling station.

Because apparently nobody had learned anything.

Sarah and Susan organised the decorations.

Winky handled the music.

McFinleyyy was best man.

Large Lad was put in charge of the buffet.

Salty gave the speech.

Danny Boy and Govna stood at the back.

Salty cleared his throat.

"I never thought I'd see the day when one of my vehicles would settle down.

Everyone cheered.

Salty looked at the mechanic.

"Look after her."

"I will."

"Keep her serviced."

"I will."

"And whatever you do..."

Salty paused.

"...don't show her the diesel price."

Everyone laughed.

Then Govna shouted:

"And don't forget the taxes!"

Danny Boy added:

"She'll need a second bank account!

Large Lad nodded.

"I think she's protesting."

THE HAPPY ENDING

Eventually, the newly loved-up car and the mechanic drove away together.

The Misfits watched them disappear down the road.

Salty smiled.

"At least somebody got a happy ending."

Danny Boy looked at the fuel pumps.

"Not us."

Govna nodded.

"Especially after seeing the price of diesel."

Large Lad looked towards the Leopard 2.

"What about the tank?"

Salty shrugged.

"It's all right."

"Why?"

"It's German."

"So?"

"It doesn't care about the price."

The Leopard 2's engine suddenly roared.

"BRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM!"

Salty looked at the fuel gauge.

His smile disappeared.

"Actually..."

"What?"

"I think it cares very much."

And so another day ended in the chaotic world of BigSaltyDog.

A garage found romance.

Danny Boy and Govna found another reason to complain about fuel prices.

The Leopard 2 drank enough diesel to frighten an accountant.

And Salty?

He was left wondering whether petrol stations should come with a complimentary box of tissues.

Because sometimes you need something to wipe away the tears when you see the bill.

BigSaltyDog signing off.

Keep the engines running.

Keep an eye on the fuel gauge...