Terminated

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TERMINATOR 2: HASTA LA VISTA, BIGSALTYDOG!

Arnie's Most Dangerous Mission Yet!

It was business as usual at BigSaltyDog headquarters. Stg. Salty was putting off the paperwork, Ye Olde Large Lad was raiding the biscuit tin, and McFinleyyy was giving out about the heating. Sarah and Susan were catching up on the latest gossip, while Govna was talking about his kitchen renovation and Danny Boy was looking for something to eat. Whizzley was planning an escape, Dinkz was battling with the coffee machine, and Squalshyyy was doing his best to look busy without actually working.

Suddenly, the front door burst open.

Standing there was Arnold Schwarzenegger, wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket.

He pointed at Salty.

"I NEED YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BOOTS, AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE!"

Salty looked him up and down.

"Have you got a booking?"

Arnie frowned.

"I am the Terminator. I have travelled through time to complete a critical mission."

Sarah turned to Susan.

"He's a bit overdressed for the weather, isn't he?"

Susan nodded. "And those sunglasses indoors? Terrible manners."

Arnie ignored them.

"My mission is to locate the most dangerous organisation in Ireland."

Salty puffed out his chest.

"Finally! Someone recognises our work!"

Arnie consulted his wrist computer.

"Target identified. BIGSALTYDOG."

Danny Boy looked up.

"Does that mean we're getting funding?"

"No," said Salty.

"Then I'm not interested," Danny replied, returning to his sandwich.

THE MOTORCYCLE PROBLEM

"I REQUIRE A MOTORCYCLE!" Arnie announced.

Salty pointed out of the window.

"There's a shopping trolley in the car park."

"I NEED A MOTORCYCLE!"

"Put a saddle on the trolley, then."

Ye Olde Large Lad nearly choked laughing.

Arnie turned to Govna.

"Do you have a vehicle?"

"Yes," said Govna. "But there's no petrol in it. The kitchen renovation has cleaned me out."

Arnie's computer flashed.

ERROR 404: TRANSPORT NOT FOUND.

Whizzley offered to book him a taxi, but the driver cancelled after hearing the words "time-travelling cyborg".

Dinkz suggested the bus.

"Knowing Salty, he probably owes the bus company money," he added.

THE COFFEE MACHINE CATASTROPHE

Suddenly, the coffee machine made a terrible grinding noise.

Arnie spun around.

"HOSTILE TARGET DETECTED!"

He punched the machine, sending coffee and milk flying everywhere.

Dinkz stared at the wreckage.

"YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT! THAT WAS OUR LAST WORKING MACHINE!"

Arnie looked at the mess.

"I'll be back."

"You're not going anywhere until you've cleaned that up!"

Sarah handed him a mop, Susan produced a bucket, and Salty presented him with an invoice.

"€450 for damages, mate."

Arnie stared at the bill.

"I'LL BE BACK!"

"Not until you've paid!" shouted Salty.

THE FINAL MISSION

At 2 p.m., Salty announced the weekly Misfits meeting.

Arnie made a run for the door, but McFinleyyy blocked his way with a clipboard.

"You haven't completed your induction paperwork!"

"PAPERWORK?" Arnie roared.

Sarah produced twelve forms. Susan found another seventeen. Govna added a health and safety assessment, while Whizzley submitted an expenses claim.

Squalshyyy raised his hand.

"Can we postpone the meeting until next week?"

Salty smiled.

"Welcome to BigSaltyDog, Arnie. Here, we don't terminate people."

He leaned forward.

"WE PUT THEM ON THE COMMITTEE!"

Arnie's eyes widened.

"WARNING! CRITICAL SYSTEM FAILURE!"

Ye Olde Large Lad offered him a biscuit.

Arnie took a bite.

"THIS BISCUIT IS STALE!"

"That's the premium selection," replied Salty.

Three hours later, Arnie staggered towards the exit. His jacket was covered in coffee, he'd signed forty-seven forms, and Susan had volunteered him to organise the Christmas party.

Salty called after him.

"Before you go, can you move that filing cabinet?"

Arnie turned slowly.

"HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!"

He climbed into the shopping trolley and disappeared down the hill.

"I'LL BE BACK!" he screamed.

Salty picked up his tea.

"Lovely fella. Anyone got his number? We need someone to organise next week's meeting."

Sarah shook her head while Susan poured another cup of tea.

Somewhere in the distance, Arnie's voice echoed across the countryside.

"MY MISSION HAS FAILED. I HAVE BEEN TERMINATED BY ADMINISTRATION!"

THE END.

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