It's Hammer time

BIGSALTYDOG PRESENTS: HOLMES UNDER THE HAMMER — IT'S HAMMER TIME! 🔨😂

Stg. Salty and the Misfits were enjoying a quiet afternoon when McFinleyyy burst into the room waving his phone.

“Lads! New plan. We’re buying a property, renovating it, and selling it for a massive profit!”

Salty lowered his coffee.

“McFin, the last time you tried DIY, you put a shelf up with three screws and a prayer. It fell down and nearly killed Whizzley.”

“Minor technical issue,” McFinleyyy replied. “This time, we’re going professional. We’re going on Holmes Under the Hammer!”

Within twenty-four hours, the Misfits were standing outside a derelict house that looked like it had survived three wars and a particularly angry visit from the local council.

A television presenter greeted them enthusiastically.

“Today, we’re looking at a fantastic investment opportunity!”

Salty peered through a broken window.

“Fantastic? There’s a tree growing through the kitchen, lads!”

Ye Olde Large Lad examined the roof.

“Good news, Salty. It’s open-plan upstairs.”

“HOW IS THAT GOOD NEWS?”

“Natural ventilation!”

🔨 HAMMER TIME!

The auction began.

“Who'll start me at €50,000?” shouted the auctioneer.

Quags raised his hand.

“Fifty!”

“Fifty thousand?” asked the auctioneer.

“No, fifty euro. I saw a nice microwave in the kitchen.”

The room fell silent.

Ramadan Patel leaned towards him. “Quags, this is a property auction, not a car boot sale.”

McFinleyyy suddenly raised his paddle.

“€80,000!”

Salty nearly swallowed his tongue.

“YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN CHECKED IF IT HAS A TOILET!”

“I'm thinking long-term, Salty!”

“SO AM I! I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW LONG YOU'LL BE PAYING OFF THE MORTGAGE!”

The hammer came down.

SOLD!

McFinleyyy was now the proud owner of a house with no functioning bathroom, questionable foundations and a mysterious smell that made Winkz reconsider his entire life.

THE RENOVATION DISASTER

Sarah and Susan arrived with paint charts, clipboards and the sort of organised confidence that immediately made the men feel inadequate.

“Right,” Sarah announced. “We'll need a proper budget, qualified tradespeople and a realistic schedule.”

Susan looked at the Misfits.

“And none of you are touching the electrics.”

Whizzley slowly put down a screwdriver.

“But I watched a video.”

“WHIZZ,” Susan replied, “you once tried to charge your phone in a toaster.”

Meanwhile, Govna had appointed himself project manager. Wearing his trademark red tracksuit and Govna cap, he stood in the garden shouting instructions while doing absolutely nothing.

“Get that wall knocked down!”

“Which wall?” asked Dinkz.

“The big one!”

“That’s the supporting wall!”

“Exactly! We need to support the building industry!”

Salty grabbed Govna by the tracksuit.

“YOU'RE FIRED!”

“Can't fire me,” Govna replied. “I'm self-employed.”

“YOU HAVEN'T EMPLOYED YOURSELF YET!”

THE GRAND REVEAL

Three months later, the property was finally finished. Sarah and Susan had practically saved the entire project, while the lads had managed to spend €15,000 on takeaway food, misplaced tools and a gold-plated bathroom tap that nobody had ordered.

The presenter returned.

“What a transformation! So, McFinleyyy, what's the final profit?”

McFinleyyy smiled nervously.

“Well, we bought it for €80,000, spent €65,000 renovating it, and sold it for €120,000.”

The presenter blinked.

“So you've made a loss of €25,000?”

“Technically,” McFinleyyy replied, “we've gained valuable experience.”

Salty stared directly into the camera.

“Valuable experience? We could've bought a house in Spain for that money and spent the summer drinking sangria!”

Then the auctioneer appeared on television and shouted his famous words.

“Going once! Going twice! SOLD!”

Salty grabbed his imaginary microphone.

“LADS, IT'S HAMMER TIME!”

He started dancing, Quags joined in, and Ye Olde Large Lad attempted a moonwalk that required an ambulance and two traffic cones.

Sarah and Susan watched from the doorway.

“Never again,” Sarah sighed.

Susan nodded.

“Unless we buy the next one in cash.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Misfits turned a property investment into a financial crime against common sense.

Stg. Salty's final verdict?

“THE ONLY THING THESE LADS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO PICK UP IS A HAMMER — AND EVEN THEN, THEY NEED ADULT SUPERVISION!”

BigSaltyDog — where property prices are ridiculous, renovations are catastrophic, and the Misfits never learn a bloody thing. 😂🔨