Garda runs out of juice and has to hitchhike to incident
When the law runs out of battery, there's only one number left to call. Unfortunately, it's the Govna.
There are days when you wake up, have a nice cup of tea, look out the window and think, today should be fairly straightforward.
And then there are days when Stg. Salty and the Misfits get involved.
This particular disaster began on a quiet rural road in County Galway, where a Garda patrol car had apparently decided that it had done enough policing for one day.
The electric vehicle sat motionless at the side of the road, surrounded by green fields, stone walls and the sort of breathtaking scenery that normally appears on a tourism advertisement.
The only problem was that the Garda inside it had somewhere important to be.
An incident had been reported a few miles down the road, and he had been dispatched to attend.
Unfortunately, his patrol car had other plans.
Battery: 0%.
Garda: 100% frustrated.
Public confidence: currently under review.
The Garda stepped out, looked at the vehicle, looked at his phone, and then looked up at the heavens.
"You're having a laugh," he muttered.
The car offered no reply.
He tried the charging cable. Nothing.
He tried the dashboard. Nothing.
He gave the steering wheel a gentle tap, as though encouraging it to reconsider its life choices.
Still nothing.
And that was when he spotted a group of people approaching along the road.
Leading the procession was Stg. Salty, wearing his trademark black cap and looking like a man who had just discovered that the universe had personally arranged an afternoon of entertainment for him.
Behind him came Ye Olde Large Lad in his Hawaiian shirt, McFinleyyy, Whizzley, Winkz, Quags, Sarah, Susan, Vicky, Lucy, Dinkz and the rest of the Misfits.
And bringing up the rear was the Govna.
The Govna was carrying something that looked like it belonged in an industrial warehouse.
A massive coil of yellow extension cable.
Nobody had asked him to bring it.
Nobody knew why he had brought it.
But the Govna had arrived, and that was usually enough to make a bad situation significantly worse.
Stg. Salty stopped beside the stranded patrol car.
He looked at the Garda.
He looked at the car.
He looked at the Garda again.
"Everything all right there, officer?"
The Garda gave him a look that could have curdled milk.
"No. My patrol car has run out of charge, and I've an incident to attend a few miles down the road."
Salty nodded thoughtfully.
"Right. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
The Garda stared at him.
"It's already off."
"Well, there's your problem," Salty replied. "You've turned it off and forgotten the on bit."
Sarah burst out laughing.
Susan put a hand over her mouth.
McFinleyyy shook his head.
"Salty, please. The man's having a difficult day."
"I'm offering technical support," Salty replied. "I'm practically an IT department."
"You once rang me because your television remote wouldn't change the batteries," said Whizzley.
"That's confidential information."
"It happened in the pub."
"Still confidential."
THE GARDA NEEDS A LIFT
The Garda explained that he had contacted the appropriate support services, but he still needed to get to the incident. With the patrol car stranded and the road relatively quiet, he had decided to try his luck with a lift for the final few miles.
He stepped towards the road and raised his thumb.
A Garda hitchhiking in uniform.
You genuinely couldn't make it up.
Ye Olde Large Lad was the first to appreciate the sheer absurdity of the situation.
"Hold on a minute," he said. "We're in Galway. The Garda is trying to catch a lift. His electric patrol car is dead. And we've just walked into the middle of it."
"That's the situation," Salty replied.
"It's like a sketch from a comedy programme."
"No," said McFinleyyy. "It's better. Nobody would believe the script."
The Garda tried to maintain his composure.
"Lads, I would appreciate it if we could keep the commentary to a minimum."
"Absolutely, officer," Salty said.
There was a pause.
"Would you like us to put on a hi-vis vest and direct traffic?"
"No."
"Set up a toll booth?"
"No."
"Sell tickets?"
"Absolutely not."
Salty nodded.
"Fair enough. We'll keep it professional."
He turned towards the Misfits.
"Nobody sell tickets until we agree on a price."
The Garda closed his eyes.
Somewhere in the distance, a sheep bleated.
Even the sheep appeared to be taking the mickey.
ENTER THE GOVNA: ELECTRICAL ENGINEER
While everyone else was discussing the situation, the Govna had been studying the patrol car with the intense concentration of a man examining an ancient archaeological mystery.
He approached the Garda.
"I think I've got this."
The Garda looked at the cable.
"What exactly is that?"
"An extension lead."
"I can see that."
"Good. We're making progress."
The Govna began uncoiling it.
It seemed to go on forever.
He unrolled enough cable to connect a small village, a garden shed and possibly the International Space Station.
Winkz watched in amazement.
"Where did you get that?"
"Had it in the boot."
"Why?"
"You never know when you'll need an extension lead."
Quags nodded solemnly.
"That's actually quite sensible."
"Thank you," said the Govna.
"For someone who once tried to charge a cordless drill by putting it beside a lamp," Quags added.
"That was a different situation."
The Govna marched towards the Garda vehicle, cable in hand.
"Right. Where's your charging port?"
The Garda pointed towards the car.
The Govna examined it.
Then he examined the plug on the end of his extension lead.
Then he looked back at the car.
A long silence followed.
"I may have overlooked one small detail," he announced.
Salty folded his arms.
"Let me guess. The extension lead doesn't magically create electricity?"
The Govna frowned.
"Don't be negative, Salty."
"It's an electric car, Govna. Negative is half the circuit."
For a moment, nobody said anything.
Then Ye Olde Large Lad nearly fell against the stone wall laughing.
Sarah and Susan were in tears.
McFinleyyy had to sit down.
The Garda, despite his best efforts, let out a reluctant laugh.
The Govna wasn't finished.
"Look, if we can get it to a socket, we'll be grand."
"Where's the nearest socket?" asked Lucy.
The Govna looked around at the fields, the stone walls and the distant houses.
"That's a good question."
"That's generally how electricity works," said Winkz. "You need electricity before you can charge something with electricity."
The Govna rolled up his extension lead.
"Well, there's no need for sarcasm."
"There's no need for a twenty-metre extension lead either," replied Susan.
"Twenty metres? That's only the first coil!"
Everyone turned to look at the Govna.
"How much cable have you got?" Salty asked.
The Govna thought for a moment.
"Depends on whether you count the cable in the shed."
Stg. Salty rubbed his forehead.
"I've seen enough."
YE OLDE LARGE LAD SAVES THE DAY
While the Govna was busy defending his electrical qualifications, Ye Olde Large Lad had spotted a green road sign in the distance.
He pointed towards it.
"Hang on, lads. Isn't that a charging station down the road?"
Everyone turned.
Sure enough, the sign indicated an EV charging station a couple of kilometres away.
Large Lad grinned.
"There you go. That's where the car needs to be."
Salty stared at the sign.
Then at Large Lad.
Then back at the sign.
"Outstanding work."
"Thank you."
"You've identified the charging station."
"Correct."
"Using a road sign."
"Correct."
"And you managed that without bringing an extension lead."
Large Lad adjusted his sunglasses.
"I'm a professional."
McFinleyyy nodded.
"That's the most sensible thing anyone has said all afternoon."
"Actually," said Whizzley, "the car still can't drive itself there."
The mood changed slightly.
Large Lad looked at the stranded vehicle.
"Ah."
Salty smiled.
"And there we have it. A destination without transportation. It's like buying a ticket to Spain and discovering your passport is in the freezer."
"Why would your passport be in the freezer?" asked Vicky.
"That's not the important part of the story."
"It absolutely is," Sarah replied.
The Garda checked his watch.
"Lads, I appreciate the entertainment, but I genuinely need to get to that incident."
And just like that, the joking stopped for a moment.
Salty turned towards him.
"Right, officer. Let's get you there. Have you contacted your control room about transport?"
"Yes. I'm trying to arrange the quickest option available."
"Good. We'll see if someone travelling in the right direction can give you a lift while you wait for the proper arrangements."
The Garda nodded gratefully.
For all the Misfits' nonsense, Salty could recognise when a situation needed sorting rather than another punchline.
Unfortunately, the Govna was already walking towards the road.
"I'll flag down a car!"
"Govna, no!" Salty called.
Too late.
The Govna stepped forward and raised both arms at an approaching vehicle.
The driver braked.
The Govna smiled.
The driver took one look at the extension lead hanging from his shoulder, the crowd of laughing people, and the Garda standing beside the patrol car.
Then he slowed down, assessed the situation and continued cautiously past.
The Govna lowered his arms.
"People have no community spirit these days."
"You were waving an extension lead at a stranger on a rural road!" Susan exclaimed.
"It was a perfectly respectable extension lead."
"That doesn't make it a recognised method of traffic management!"
A LIFT, A LESSON AND A VERY LONG CABLE
Eventually, a passing motorist travelling in the right direction stopped after seeing the Garda's situation.
After the details were checked and the necessary arrangements were made, the Garda was able to get a lift for the remaining few miles.
He thanked the driver, gave the Misfits a final look, and prepared to leave.
Salty stepped forward.
"Officer, before you go, there's one thing I'd like to ask."
The Garda sighed.
"What now?"
"Have you considered keeping a spare battery in the boot?"
"It's an electric car, Salty."
"Well, yes. But you could keep another electric car in the boot. A backup vehicle."
"How would I fit another car in the boot?"
"That's why you're the Garda and I'm in management."
"You're not in management."
"I'm managing this conversation."
The Garda shook his head, smiling despite himself.
"Good luck, lads."
"Same to you, officer," said Salty. "And if you need any more electrical assistance, you know who to call."
The Govna proudly raised his extension lead.
"Available twenty-four hours a day!"
"Don't encourage him," the Garda replied.
And with that, the Garda climbed into the passing vehicle and headed off to the incident.
The Misfits watched him disappear around the bend.
For a few seconds, there was silence.
Then McFinleyyy turned to Salty.
"So, what have we learned today?"
Salty considered the question.
"That the future is electric."
"Yes."
"That charging infrastructure is important."
"Yes."
"That a patrol car with an empty battery isn't much use in a hurry."
"Correct."
"And that the Govna should never be allowed near a charging cable."
The Govna looked offended.
"I'll have you know I've charged plenty of things."
"Such as?" asked Quags.
"My phone."
"Anything else?"
"My tablet."
"Anything else?"
The Govna paused.
"My phone again."
Winkz shook his head.
"Remarkable. A man of many talents."
Ye Olde Large Lad looked towards the distant charging station.
"At least we've got a happy ending. The Garda got his lift, and the incident will be attended."
"Exactly," Salty said. "That's the important thing."
He paused.
"Now, who's giving the Govna a lift home? I'm not walking behind that extension lead for another three kilometres."
THE AFTERMATH: BIG SALTY DOG EXCLUSIVE
By the time the Misfits reached the nearest village, the story had already become the subject of considerable debate.
At the local pub, one man claimed the Garda had been abandoned by technology.
Another argued that electric vehicles were the future, provided the future included enough charging points.
A third reckoned the Govna's extension lead could have powered the entire village if someone had only found a plug.
The Govna himself was preparing to launch a new business venture.
GOVNA'S EMERGENCY ELECTRICAL RESCUE SERVICE
We can't guarantee a charge, but we can guarantee a very long cable.
His first customer was Whizzley.
Whizzley rang him the following morning.
"Govna, my phone battery is dead. Can you help?"
"Absolutely. I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"Brilliant. Bring the extension lead."
"Of course."
"And a socket."
There was a long pause.
"Whizzley, don't be cheeky."
Meanwhile, Stg. Salty issued an official statement on behalf of the Misfits.
"We'd like to commend the Garda for keeping his cool during a difficult situation. We wish him well, and we hope the incident he was travelling to attend was dealt with promptly."
He paused.
"We'd also like to remind the public that an extension lead is not a substitute for a charging network."
Another pause.
"And if you see the Govna approaching your vehicle with a coil of yellow cable, please remain calm, secure your charging port and contact the appropriate authorities."
Sarah read the statement.
"Salty, that's not an official statement."
"It is now."
Susan laughed.
"You're going to get us into trouble."
"Not at all. We're raising awareness."
"Of what?"
Salty grinned.
"Of the dangers of letting the Govna organise a rescue operation."
And somewhere in Galway, a perfectly innocent extension lead was being coiled up for its next adventure.
THE END.
BigSaltyDog — spreading the Salty word and taking life with a pinch of salt.
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