Buffy and The Terminator crossover

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Meets the Terminator: Stg. Salty and the Apocalypse That Nearly Ruined His Pint!

When a vampire slayer, a killer cyborg and the full Misfits walk into a Dublin pub, you know somebody's going to have a very expensive evening.

Stg. Salty had a simple philosophy in life: never volunteer for anything, never trust a politician promising free sandwiches, and never stand between an Irishman and his pint.

Unfortunately, the universe had decided to test all three principles on the same Friday night.

The Misfits had assembled at their favourite Dublin pub, The Rusty Shamrock. Large Lad was occupying two chairs, McFinleyyy was complaining about the price of crisps, Big Al was calculating whether Guinness could qualify as a business expense, and the Govna was explaining why the pub needed a smart kitchen.

"Right, lads," announced Salty, raising his pint. "A quiet evening. No trouble, no arguments, and absolutely no DIY from the Govna."

"It was one kitchen incident!" protested the Govna.

"You flooded the house, nearly electrocuted yourself and installed a dishwasher that only worked when the microwave was switched off!"

"That's called innovation!"

Before Salty could respond, the lights went out.

A tremendous explosion shook the street.

KABOOOOOM!

Sarah peered through the window.

"Salty, you need to see this."

Standing outside was a towering man in a black leather jacket and sunglasses. Half his face was human; the other half revealed a metallic skeleton with a glowing red eye.

A mechanical voice boomed across the street.

"STG. SALTY. YOU HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AS A THREAT TO HUMANITY."

Salty stared at him.

"Who the hell is that?"

"I AM A TERMINATOR. I HAVE TRAVELLED FROM THE FUTURE TO ELIMINATE YOU."

Big Al reached for his calculator.

"Do we know whether extermination services are VAT-inclusive?"

"AL, SHUT UP!"

The pub door suddenly burst open, and a blonde woman in a black leather jacket strode inside, gripping a wooden stake.

"Has anyone seen a killer robot with a metal face?"

Salty pointed towards the street.

"Outside. He's after me, apparently. And he's already damaged the front door."

"I'm Buffy. Buffy Summers. Vampire Slayer."

Winkz blinked.

"Right. Grand. And I'm the Minister for Finance."

Buffy gave him a look.

"You're wearing your jumper inside out."

Winkz checked.

"That's irrelevant to my qualifications."

Buffy explained that the Terminator had travelled back through time because an artificial-intelligence system had predicted that Salty would cause the collapse of civilisation.

Salty looked offended.

"Me? I've never even managed to organise a Christmas party without someone losing the raffle tickets!"

According to the machine's records, Salty would eventually unplug a military computer network, accidentally saving humanity from a global robot uprising.

The Terminator had decided the simplest solution was to eliminate Salty before this happened.

Salty took another sip of Guinness.

"Well, humanity should have thought about that before interrupting my evening."

The Terminator marched into the pub.

"COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE."

Salty pointed at the broken door.

"COME WITH A CHEQUE IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE!"

Buffy launched herself at the machine. She kicked him squarely in the chest, but he barely moved before grabbing her and throwing her across the room into a stack of beer kegs.

Salty winced.

"That's going to hurt in the morning."

"Thanks for the medical assessment!" Buffy shouted.

Meanwhile, three vampires burst through the back window.

Buffy sprang into action, staking one and kicking another across a table. The third lunged towards the Govna.

In a moment of panic, the Govna hurled his sandwich directly into the vampire's face.

Everyone stopped.

The vampire stared at the sandwich.

The Govna straightened his jacket.

"Negotiations have broken down."

Buffy finished the job.

"Honestly, I've seen worse."

Salty immediately organised the Misfits into a defensive formation.

"Large Lad, you're on defence!"

Large Lad grabbed a garden chair.

"Finally, a job suited to my qualifications!"

"McFinleyyy, find a weapon!"

McFinleyyy raised his mop.

"Ready for battle!"

"That's a cleaning implement!"

"It's got a wooden handle!"

"Fair enough. You're promoted."

Big Al was told to investigate the Terminator's computer systems, Sarah and Susan helped Buffy tackle the vampires, and Squalshyyy was instructed to guard the rear entrance.

"Can I guard it from inside a cupboard?" he asked.

"No!" shouted Salty.

Outside, the Terminator became stuck halfway through a pub window.

"OBSTRUCTION DETECTED," he announced.

Salty walked over.

"Have you tried turning sideways?"

"THAT WOULD BE INEFFICIENT."

"Well, you're stuck, aren't you?"

Large Lad swung his garden chair at the robot's shoulder. The chair shattered into pieces.

Large Lad examined the remains.

"Cheap rubbish."

The Terminator turned towards him.

"YOU HAVE DAMAGED MY EXTERNAL ARMOUR."

"You're welcome," replied Large Lad.

Eventually, Buffy freed the machine with a well-aimed kick, sending him tumbling into a wheelie bin.

Salty had reached the end of his patience.

"RIGHT! EVERYBODY STOP!"

Miraculously, everyone did.

"I don't know what futuristic nonsense you're programmed with, but you've broken my door, destroyed my furniture and frightened the customers. Now, either you explain yourself or I'm sending you the repair bill!"

Buffy stepped forward.

"Maybe your artificial intelligence has the wrong information. Big Al, can you check its records?"

Big Al connected his scientific calculator to the Terminator's unsecured network.

Salty stared at him.

"You're hacking a killer robot with that thing?"

"It's got Bluetooth."

"Of course it has."

After several minutes of frantic button pressing, the Terminator froze. Its red eye flickered.

"ERROR. HISTORICAL RECORD CORRUPTED."

Big Al examined the screen.

"Ah. I've found the problem."

"Go on," said Salty.

"The original report confused Salty with another person responsible for a catastrophic systems failure."

Everyone turned towards the Govna.

The Govna clutched his sandwich.

"Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions—"

The Terminator's eye flashed.

"IDENTITY CONFIRMED. THE GOVNA IS THE PRIMARY CAUSE OF THE FUTURE COLLAPSE."

There was complete silence.

Buffy slowly turned towards him.

"You caused the machine apocalypse?"

The Terminator continued.

"IN THE YEAR 2047, THE GOVNA ATTEMPTED TO INSTALL A SMART KITCHEN USING AN UNAUTHORISED EXTENSION LEAD. A POWER SURGE DESTROYED THE CENTRAL ARTIFICIAL-INTELLIGENCE SERVER, TRIGGERING A GLOBAL MACHINE UPRISING."

McFinleyyy lowered his mop.

"So the world's nearly destroyed because the Govna can't do DIY?"

The Govna looked wounded.

"It was a very ambitious project!"

Salty threw his hands into the air.

"I KNEW IT! I LEAVE THIS MAN ALONE WITH A SCREWDRIVER FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND HE NEARLY ENDS CIVILISATION!"

Buffy and Big Al managed to correct the Terminator's mission parameters.

His red eye turned green.

"MISSION UPDATED. PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: PREVENT THE GOVNA FROM ACCESSING ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT."

The Terminator marched towards the Govna.

"YOU WILL SURRENDER ALL SCREWDRIVERS, EXTENSION LEADS AND POWER TOOLS."

"Surely we can negotiate?" asked the Govna.

"NEGATIVE."

"Could I keep a small screwdriver for opening parcels?"

"NEGATIVE."

"What about a butter knife?"

"UNDER REVIEW."

Buffy laughed so hard she nearly dropped her stake.

The Terminator apologised for the damage and turned to Salty.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO ASSIST ME IN PREVENTING A FUTURE APOCALYPSE?"

Salty shook his head.

"No chance. I've had enough excitement for one evening. Besides, I've still got half a pint to finish."

The landlord appeared at the doorway.

"That'll be twelve hundred euro for the repairs, Salty."

Salty nearly spat out his Guinness.

"TWELVE HUNDRED EURO? SEND THE INVOICE TO THE FUTURE!"

The Terminator reached into his jacket and produced a bank card.

"FUTURE PAYMENT METHOD."

The landlord shook his head.

"We don't take contactless."

For the first time that evening, the Terminator appeared genuinely confused.

"PAYMENT SYSTEM FAILURE."

Salty slapped him on the shoulder.

"Welcome to Ireland, pal."

Buffy departed into the Dublin night, promising never to underestimate the Irish again. The Terminator took up temporary residence outside the Govna's house, where he confiscated fourteen screwdrivers, three extension leads, a power drill and something described as a revolutionary smart toaster.

Big Al began preparing a spreadsheet titled The Financial Implications of Time Travel, Vampires and Pub Furniture. Large Lad ordered a reinforced garden chair, McFinleyyy kept his mop, and Whizzley was still trying to arrange a flight for Buffy.

Salty returned to the bar, finally enjoying a fresh pint.

"Well, lads, at least that's over."

His phone buzzed.

An unknown number had sent him a message.

FUTURE WARNING: THE GOVNA HAS PURCHASED A LASER CUTTER.

Salty slowly put down his pint.

He closed his eyes.

"Someone get the Sheriff."

Somewhere in the distance, a mechanical voice echoed through the Dublin night.

"I'LL BE BACK."

Salty grabbed his pint protectively.

"NOT IF YOU'RE PAYING TWELVE HUNDRED EURO, YOU WON'T!"

THE END.

BigSaltyDog — Irish humour, original stories, adventures and the increasingly questionable activities of Stg. Salty and the Misfits.

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