The Govna's Great Kitchen Disaster

The Govna's Great Kitchen Disaster

There are some jobs in life that should always be left to professionals.

Plumbing.

Electrics.

Roofing.

Brain surgery.

And decorating a kitchen when you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.

Unfortunately, nobody had told the Govna.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning when the Govna wandered into his kitchen, looked around for approximately seven seconds and made an announcement that would change the lives of everyone in the Salty Gang.

“Right. I've had enough.”

From the sitting room came a voice.

“Had enough of what?”

“The kitchen.”

There was silence.

Then Salty appeared.

“What about it?”

“It's boring.”

Salty looked around.

The kitchen looked perfectly normal.

The cupboards were fine.

The cooker worked.

The fridge was working.

The kettle was slightly ancient but still capable of producing boiling water.

“What are you planning?”

The Govna puffed out his chest.

“I'm redecorating it.”

Salty immediately knew this was going to end badly.

“How much experience have you got?”

The Govna thought about it.

“Plenty.”

“Doing what?”

“Watching television.”

“That isn't experience.”

“It is if you've watched enough programmes.”

The Govna had recently watched approximately half an episode of a home improvement programme and had apparently decided he was now a master builder, interior designer, electrician, plumber and architect.

He even had a notebook.

On the front it said:

THE GOVNA'S KITCHEN PROJECT

Underneath were three words.

VISION. QUALITY. LUXURY.

Salty opened it.

Inside was a shopping list.

Paint.

Brushes.

Rollers.

Tiles.

Grout.

Cupboard handles.

New kettle.

Biscuits.

Sausages.

And something simply described as:

Fancy wall thing.

Salty looked up.

“What's the fancy wall thing?”

“Don't know.”

“What does it do?”

“Looks fancy.”

Salty closed the notebook.

“This is going to be a disaster.”

The Misfits Arrive

Within an hour, the news had spread through the Salty Gang.

Whizzley arrived first.

Then Sarah.

Then Susan.

Then Ye Olde Large Lad, who arrived carrying a ladder.

Salty looked at him.

“Why have you got a ladder?”

“Decoration.”

“You don't decorate with a ladder.”

“You do if you're tall.”

Ye Olde Large Lad put the ladder against the wall.

It immediately slipped sideways.

Everyone jumped.

The Govna shouted:

“Don't touch anything!”

The ladder fell over.

CRASH.

Everyone stared at it.

The Govna nodded.

“Exactly as planned.”

Salty looked at Sarah.

“Did you hear that?”

Sarah nodded.

“He's already blaming the building.”

Choosing the Paint

The first major decision was the colour.

The Govna had purchased a tin called Mediterranean Sunset.

He opened it proudly.

Salty stared into the tin.

“That's red.”

“It's Mediterranean.”

“It's red.”

“It's sophisticated.”

“It looks like ketchup.”

The Govna became annoyed.

“You lot wouldn't know sophistication if it hit you in the face.”

Whizzley dipped his finger into the paint.

“Definitely ketchup.”

“Don't touch it!”

Too late.

Whizzley had red paint on his finger.

He wiped it on Ye Olde Large Lad.

Large Lad looked down at the red streak on his shirt.

There was a long silence.

The Govna pointed towards the door.

“Out.”

Large Lad pointed at Whizzley.

“I'm going to get you.”

Whizzley ran.

And so, before a single wall had been painted, the kitchen renovation had already become a chase scene.

Operation: Paint the Kitchen

Eventually everyone calmed down.

The Govna picked up the roller.

“Stand back.”

He dipped it into the paint.

He rolled it onto the wall.

It looked awful.

He rolled again.

Still awful.

Again.

Now it looked slightly less awful but considerably more red.

Then the roller came off the handle.

It flew across the kitchen.

WHACK.

It hit the fridge.

Red paint went everywhere.

The Govna froze.

Salty looked at the fridge.

Then at the Govna.

Then back at the fridge.

“Modern art?”

The Govna nodded.

“Exactly.”

Sarah walked in.

“What happened?”

“Feature.”

“What?”

“Feature.”

Susan appeared behind her.

“What's the feature?”

“The fridge.”

“Why is it red?”

“Because it matches the wall.”

“It doesn't.”

The Govna stared at her.

“You're not helping.”

The Cat Incident

Things got even worse when the Govna decided to paint behind the kitchen table.

Unfortunately, the cat was sitting on it.

Nobody noticed.

The Govna reached behind the table.

SWISH.

Red paint appeared on the cat.

The cat looked at him.

The Govna looked at the cat.

The cat looked at the paint.

Salty walked in.

“What have you done?”

The Govna whispered:

“Nothing.”

Salty pointed.

“There's a red cat.”

The Govna looked.

“Oh.”

The cat jumped off the table and disappeared.

The Govna sighed.

“That's going to be difficult to explain.”

Salty nodded.

“Especially to the cat.”

The Tiling Disaster

The next stage was tiling.

The Govna had watched a YouTube tutorial.

It lasted twelve minutes.

He had watched approximately four minutes.

But he was confident.

“Anyone can do this.”

Salty immediately disagreed.

“No.”

The Govna applied adhesive.

Placed the first tile.

It was crooked.

He stepped back.

“Perfect.”

Salty tilted his head.

“It's at about a thirty-degree angle.”

“That's modern.”

The second tile was worse.

The third cracked.

The fourth disappeared.

“Where's the fourth tile?” asked Sarah.

Nobody knew.

Ye Olde Large Lad pointed towards Whizzley.

“Ask him.”

Whizzley looked innocent.

“I haven't got it.”

“What have you got behind your back?”

“Nothing.”

He moved his hand.

The missing tile fell onto the floor.

CRASH.

The Govna closed his eyes.

“Why?”

Whizzley shrugged.

“Gravity.”

The Govna pointed towards the door.

“Everybody out.”

The Cupboard Handle Crisis

The Govna then decided the cupboard handles were old-fashioned.

“They need replacing.”

Salty asked:

“Have you measured them?”

The Govna laughed.

“Measured them?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“To make sure the new ones fit.”

The Govna looked offended.

“I know what I'm doing.”

Ten minutes later, he had drilled six holes.

None of them were in the right places.

One cupboard had two handles.

One had no handle.

One handle was so high it could only be reached by Ye Olde Large Lad.

Another was so low that Whizzley suggested the kitchen had become accessible to small children.

Sarah looked at the cupboards.

“Are these supposed to be like that?”

“Yes.”

Susan nodded.

“Why?”

“Design.”

Salty whispered:

“It's not design.”

“What is it?”

“Evidence.”

The Luxury Kettle

Then came the Govna's proudest purchase.

The luxury kettle.

It cost more than some people's first cars.

It had seventeen buttons.

A digital display.

Temperature control.

A little blue light.

And, apparently, enough technology to launch a satellite.

The Govna placed it on the counter.

“Now that's luxury.”

Salty looked at it.

“Does it boil water?”

“Yes.”

“That's its main job.”

“It does much more than that.”

“What?”

The Govna pressed a button.

Nothing happened.

He pressed another.

The kettle beeped.

Everyone jumped.

The screen said:

DESCALE.

Whizzley looked at the Govna.

“You've broken it.”

“I haven't.”

“It says descale.”

“It's intelligent.”

“What does that mean?”

“It knows things.”

Salty shook his head.

“It's been plugged in for three minutes.”

The Electricity Incident

The Govna eventually decided he needed more lighting.

“I'm putting LED strips under the cupboards.”

Salty immediately said:

“Call an electrician.”

The Govna ignored him.

“I've watched a video.”

Salty looked at the ceiling.

“Here we go again.”

The Govna connected the wires.

There was a spark.

Everyone jumped.

Then another spark.

Then a louder spark.

The lights went out.

The fridge stopped.

The kettle stopped.

The cooker clock disappeared.

Silence.

Whizzley whispered:

“Is the house still attached to the grid?”

The Govna stood there holding two wires.

“That's strange.”

Salty stared at him.

“Govna.”

“Yes?”

“Put the wires down.”

“I know what I'm doing.”

“Put them down.”

The Govna put them down.

The lights suddenly came back.

Everyone cheered.

Then the kitchen lights flickered.

The kettle beeped.

The fridge made a strange noise.

The toaster popped up.

Nobody had touched it.

Salty slowly backed away.

“The kitchen's possessed.”

Sarah laughed.

“No, Salty.”

The kettle beeped again.

Susan looked at the Govna.

“Actually, I think it is.”

The Fancy Wall Thing

At this point, the Govna remembered the mysterious item from his shopping list.

“The fancy wall thing!”

He disappeared into the hallway.

Five minutes later he returned carrying a wooden sign.

It said:

LIVE. LAUGH. COOK.

Nobody spoke.

The Govna proudly hung it on the wall.

Salty looked at it.

“Where did you get that?”

“Shop.”

“How much?”

“Don't worry about it.”

“How much?”

“None of your business.”

Whizzley whispered:

“Probably €4.99.”

The Govna heard him.

“€19.99.”

Everyone went silent.

Salty stared at the sign.

“You paid twenty euro for that?”

“It's inspirational.”

“It says cook.”

“Yes.”

“You can't cook.”

The Govna pointed at him.

“That's enough.”

The Final Inspection

After two days of chaos, the Govna finally announced:

“Finished.”

Everyone gathered for the grand inspection.

The kitchen looked like it had been redecorated during an earthquake.

The walls were red.

The ceiling had red patches.

The fridge had red paint.

The cupboard handles were at random heights.

Three tiles were crooked.

One tile was missing.

There was grout on the floor.

The kettle was flashing.

The LED lights were flickering.

And the cat had refused to return.

The Govna stood proudly in the doorway.

“Well?”

Salty cleared his throat.

“It's certainly... different.”

Whizzley nodded.

“Very bold.”

Sarah smiled.

“It's definitely a kitchen.”

Susan added:

“Technically.”

Ye Olde Large Lad looked upwards.

“Why is there paint on the ceiling?”

The Govna smiled.

“Feature ceiling.”

Salty nodded.

“Of course.”

The Great Reveal

The Govna decided the kitchen needed a grand reveal.

He invited everyone in.

He switched on the lights.

Nothing.

He pressed the switch again.

Nothing.

He flicked another switch.

The extractor fan came on.

WHOOOOOOOOSH.

Everyone's hair blew backwards.

Whizzley shouted:

“MY EYEBROWS!”

The Govna tried another switch.

The kettle switched on.

Then the toaster.

Then the kitchen radio.

Then something in the cupboard began making a humming noise.

Salty stared at him.

“What did you wire this into?”

The Govna smiled.

“Everything.”

Suddenly the smoke alarm started.

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

Nobody had cooked anything.

Sarah looked at the Govna.

“Why is the smoke alarm going off?”

“It's sensitive.”

“To what?”

“Quality.”

Pizza to the Rescue

Eventually, everyone accepted that the kitchen wasn't going to function normally.

So Salty ordered pizza.

Fourteen pizzas later, the entire gang sat around the newly decorated kitchen.

The Govna looked around proudly.

“You know what?”

Everyone continued eating.

“I think I've created something special.”

Salty looked at the walls.

The crooked tiles.

The wonky handles.

The flashing kettle.

The red fridge.

The wooden sign.

And the toaster that appeared to be smoking.

He nodded.

“Yeah, Govna.”

“What?”

“You've definitely created something.”

The Govna smiled.

“Thank you.”

Salty leaned towards Whizzley.

“Don't tell him what.”

Whizzley nodded.

The Final Problem

Just when everything seemed peaceful, there was a loud bang.

BANG!

Everyone froze.

The Govna slowly stood up.

“What was that?”

Another bang.

BANG!

Salty looked around.

“Something's coming from the cupboard.”

The Govna opened it.

Nothing.

Another bang.

BANG!

Ye Olde Large Lad pulled the cupboard door open.

A tin of beans rolled out.

Everyone stared.

Whizzley picked it up.

“It's the beans.”

Salty looked at the Govna.

“How did you store beans so aggressively?”

The Govna shrugged.

“Modern shelving.”

Sarah burst out laughing.

Susan followed.

Then Whizzley.

Then Salty.

Even Ye Olde Large Lad started laughing.

The Govna looked confused.

“What?”

Salty put his arm around him.

“Nothing, Govna.”

“What?”

“Your kitchen is magnificent.”

The Govna smiled.

“I knew you'd come around.”

Salty nodded.

“Absolutely.”

He looked at the others.

“Does anyone know a good builder?”

Everyone nodded.

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

The Final BigSaltyDog Verdict

And so the Govna's great kitchen renovation came to an end.

Total cost?

Nobody was allowed to ask.

Number of tiles broken?

Six.

Number of tiles correctly fitted?

Possibly two.

Number of cupboard handles fitted properly?

One, and even that was questionable.

Number of times the electricity went off?

Nobody was counting after eleven.

Number of pizzas consumed?

Fourteen.

Number of cats temporarily displaced?

One.

Number of professionals called?

Zero.

Number of professionals required?

Several.

The Govna, however, remained delighted with his work.

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, admired the red walls and nodded proudly.

“This,” he announced, “is exactly what I imagined.”

Salty looked at him.

“You imagined this?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

The Govna paused.

“Can't remember.”

And with that, he walked over to the luxury kettle.

He pressed the button.

BEEP.

Nothing happened.

He pressed it again.

BEEP.

Still nothing.

He looked underneath.

“Ah.”

“What?”

“It's not plugged in.”

Salty stared at him.

“Govna.”

“Yes?”

“After everything we've been through...”

“Yes?”

“Please don't touch anything else.”

The Govna nodded.

“Fair enough.”

He walked away.

Then stopped.

Turned around.

Picked up a screwdriver.

Salty closed his eyes.

“Oh, for God's sake.”

The Govna smiled.

“I'm only going to fix the toaster.”

And somewhere in the distance, an electrician suddenly felt a strange disturbance in the Force.

The Salty Gang knew exactly what that meant.

Chapter Two was already writing itself.