THE GOVNA, DANNY BOY & THE FIRST-DATE DISASTER

 

🍻 THE GOVNA, DANNY BOY & THE FIRST-DATE DISASTER

Stg. Salty and the Misfits — A Night Out in Dublin’s Fair City

There are nights in Dublin that begin with a plan.

Then there are nights involving Stg. Salty and the Misfits.

Those nights don't have plans.

They have incidents.

And on this particular evening, the Govna and Danny Boy had decided they were going into Dublin for a concert.

The music was supposed to be the main event.

Oasis.

Suede.

The Manic Street Preachers.

A glorious evening of guitars, nostalgia, questionable dancing and enough beer to make the average person's knees start negotiating with their brain.

But nobody had accounted for the arrival of the Misfits.

The Govna was already in Dublin when Danny Boy arrived.

"Where are the lads?" Danny asked.

The Govna looked at him.

"Which lads?"

"You know."

"That's not an answer."

"The Misfits."

The Govna sighed.

"They're probably already in a pub."

Danny nodded.

"Obviously."

They walked through the streets of Dublin, surrounded by concertgoers.

The atmosphere was buzzing.

People were laughing.

Music was coming from pubs.

There were queues outside venues.

And somewhere in the distance, a man was attempting to play Oasis on an acoustic guitar.

He wasn't doing particularly well.

The Govna stopped.

"That's definitely not Noel Gallagher."

Danny Boy listened.

"Could be Liam."

"No."

"Fair enough."

They carried on.

Eventually they reached the meeting point.

And there they were.

The Misfits.

McFinleyyy was looking suspiciously well dressed.

Winky was already holding a pint.

Quags had somehow acquired a packet of crisps despite nobody knowing where he'd bought them.

Ye Olde Large Lad was standing beside a lamp post, looking like he'd been waiting there since 1987.

Whizzair was talking at approximately 400 words per minute.

Sarah and Susan were laughing.

And standing in the middle of them all, wearing the expression of a man who had absolutely no intention of behaving responsibly, was Stg. Salty.

"THERE HE IS!" shouted Salty.

The Govna looked around.

"Who?"

"ME!"

"Yes, I can see you."

Salty raised his pint.

"THE NIGHT HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN!"

Danny Boy shook his head.

"We're only here for the concert."

Salty stared at him.

Then he slowly smiled.

"Danny."

"Yes?"

"Nobody comes to Dublin with us for just the concert."

McFinleyyy nodded.

"He's right."

Danny sighed.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

---

THE FIRST DATE

A little later, the group decided to find somewhere for a drink before heading towards the concert.

They wandered down the street in a noisy pack.

People turned around.

Dogs barked.

One taxi driver locked his doors.

Salty noticed.

"See?"

"What?" asked Winky.

"Respect."

"That's not respect."

"Fear, then."

"Probably."

Eventually they found a pub.

The Misfits piled inside.

Within minutes, Salty had somehow managed to commandeer a table.

The Govna and Danny Boy were sitting together.

McFinleyyy was chatting to Sarah and Susan.

Winky was explaining to Quags why crisps technically counted as dinner.

Ye Olde Large Lad was examining the bar.

Whizzair was still talking.

And Salty was conducting what appeared to be a military assessment of the room.

"Salty," said McFinleyyy.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Reconnaissance."

"For what?"

Salty pointed across the pub.

"Potential trouble."

McFinleyyy looked.

"There isn't any trouble."

Salty nodded seriously.

"Exactly."

Then he spotted them.

A young couple sitting at a table near the window.

It looked like a first date.

At least initially.

They were smiling.

Talking.

Laughing.

The woman seemed relaxed.

The man seemed nervous.

Salty watched them for approximately seven seconds.

"Something's wrong," he announced.

The Govna looked over.

"How would you know?"

"I've got instincts."

"You once spent twenty minutes looking for your glasses while they were on your head."

"Different situation."

The couple continued talking.

Then something changed.

The man's smile disappeared.

The woman folded her arms.

The man leaned forward.

The conversation became increasingly animated.

The Misfits slowly stopped talking.

Even Whizzair went quiet.

Which was how everybody knew things were getting serious.

"What's happening?" whispered Winky.

"First-date turbulence," said Salty.

The couple began arguing.

Nothing dramatic.

Nothing dangerous.

Just two people who had clearly discovered that perhaps they weren't quite as compatible as they had hoped.

The man eventually stood.

The woman said something.

He shook his head.

Then he picked up his jacket.

And walked away.

There was silence.

The woman remained sitting alone.

The Govna watched.

Danny Boy looked at Salty.

Salty looked at the woman.

Then Salty looked at the Govna.

The Govna immediately knew what was coming.

"Don't."

Salty stood.

"Govna."

"No."

"I have a plan."

"That's exactly why I'm saying no."

Salty straightened his jacket.

He walked over.

McFinleyyy whispered:

"Here we go."

Sarah laughed.

Susan covered her mouth.

Winky leaned forward.

Quags grabbed another crisp.

Ye Olde Large Lad simply said:

"Ah."

---

"HEY, JOIN US FOR A DRINK!"

Salty approached the woman's table.

He stopped a respectable distance away.

For once, he didn't immediately shout.

"Excuse me?"

The woman looked up.

"Yes?"

Salty pointed towards the Misfits.

"You know..."

She looked over.

A collection of strange faces stared back.

McFinleyyy gave a polite wave.

Winky raised his pint.

Quags was eating crisps.

Ye Olde Large Lad looked like he was contemplating life.

Whizzair smiled.

Sarah and Susan waved.

The Govna looked mortified.

Salty smiled.

"Your date has departed."

The woman sighed.

"Yes."

Salty nodded sympathetically.

"That's unfortunate."

"Apparently we're not compatible."

Salty considered this.

"Well."

He paused.

"That's his loss."

The Govna buried his face in his hands.

Salty continued.

"Would you like to join us for a drink?"

The woman looked at him.

Then at the Misfits.

Then back at Salty.

"You?"

Salty pointed towards the table.

"Us."

The woman smiled.

"Are you all together?"

Salty nodded.

"Unfortunately."

The Govna shouted from across the pub:

"HEY!"

Everybody laughed.

The woman finally smiled properly.

"Okay."

Salty grinned.

"Excellent."

He turned around.

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"

The Govna stood.

"Salty!"

"What?"

"You can't just recruit people!"

"Why not?"

"Because we don't know her."

"We didn't know Ye Olde Large Lad when we met him."

Large Lad nodded.

"True."

"We didn't know Winky."

Winky raised his pint.

"Also true."

"We definitely didn't know Quags."

Quags stopped chewing.

"Why are you looking at me?"

Salty pointed at the woman.

"Now we do."

The Govna stared at him.

There was no point arguing.

The woman joined the group.

And within five minutes she was laughing.

---

THE MISFITS' INTERVENTION

The woman introduced herself.

We'll call her Emma.

She explained that the date had been going reasonably well until they started talking about music.

"He said Oasis were overrated."

The entire table went silent.

McFinleyyy slowly put down his drink.

Winky looked horrified.

Quags stopped eating.

Even Salty looked genuinely offended.

"He said WHAT?"

Emma laughed.

"I know."

Salty leaned forward.

"That's not a red flag."

Everyone waited.

"It's a national emergency."

The Govna laughed.

Danny Boy shook his head.

"Here we go."

Salty stood.

"Lads."

Everyone looked at him.

"I believe Emma has suffered enough."

"Salty," said the Govna.

"We must restore her faith in humanity."

"How?"

Salty pointed at McFinleyyy.

"McFinleyyy will demonstrate charm."

McFinleyyy looked horrified.

"Why me?"

"Because you're handsome."

McFinleyyy smiled.

"Fair point."

Sarah laughed.

Susan leaned towards Emma.

"Don't worry. This happens all the time."

Emma looked confused.

"Really?"

"No."

---

THE CONCERT

Eventually the group headed towards the concert.

Dublin was alive.

The streets were packed.

Music filled the air.

People were wearing band shirts.

Some were already singing.

Others were arguing about which band had the best songs.

Salty was singing loudly.

Unfortunately, he didn't know all the words.

So he simply replaced the missing lyrics with:

"LA LA LA!"

Danny Boy walked beside him.

"You don't know the words."

"I know enough."

"You've changed half the song."

"Creative interpretation."

The Govna laughed.

McFinleyyy walked with Sarah and Susan.

Winky and Quags were arguing over who had the best dance moves.

Ye Olde Large Lad hadn't moved his arms in approximately twenty minutes.

Whizzair was explaining the entire history of British rock to anyone who would listen.

Nobody had asked.

But that had never stopped him.

Inside the venue, the music started.

The crowd erupted.

The Misfits erupted louder.

Salty jumped.

Winky jumped.

Quags jumped.

McFinleyyy jumped.

Even Ye Olde Large Lad moved.

The Govna looked around.

For a few minutes, everybody forgot about everything else.

The first-date disaster was forgotten.

The argument was forgotten.

The only thing that mattered was music, friendship and having a great night.

Emma smiled.

"This is actually brilliant."

The Govna nodded.

"That's the Misfits."

Salty appeared beside them.

"WE'RE A FAMILY."

Danny Boy looked at him.

"You're more like a travelling circus."

Salty nodded.

"Also acceptable."

---

THE DANCE-OFF

Then came the moment everybody had been waiting for.

The music changed.

Winky stepped forward.

"Right."

Quags looked at him.

"What?"

"Dance-off."

Quags immediately accepted.

"I'll destroy you."

"Dream on."

They started.

The Govna stared.

McFinleyyy laughed.

Sarah and Susan began cheering.

Emma joined in.

Whizzair started providing commentary.

"And Winky moves to the left..."

"WINKY!" shouted Salty.

"...but Quags responds with a devastating shoulder manoeuvre!"

Quags spun.

Unfortunately, he spun directly into Salty.

Salty stumbled backwards.

Straight into Ye Olde Large Lad.

Large Lad barely moved.

Salty bounced off him.

"TACTICAL!"

The Govna was laughing so hard he could barely stand.

Eventually even the people around them were laughing.

The music continued.

The Misfits danced.

The Govna danced.

Danny Boy danced.

Emma danced.

And Salty?

Salty attempted something that appeared to combine Riverdance, breakdancing and a military assault course.

Nobody knew what it was.

But everyone agreed it was unforgettable.

---

THE JOURNEY HOME

Hours later, Dublin had quietened down.

The concert was over.

The Misfits emerged into the night.

Emma stood with them.

She smiled.

"Thank you."

The Govna smiled back.

"Any time."

Emma looked at Salty.

"And thank you."

Salty placed a hand over his heart.

"I simply did what any gentleman would do."

Danny Boy coughed.

"That's not what I'd call it."

Salty ignored him.

"Your date left."

Emma nodded.

"And you lot made the rest of the evening brilliant."

Salty smiled.

"That's what we do."

The Govna looked at the group.

McFinleyyy.

Winky.

Quags.

Ye Olde Large Lad.

Whizzair.

Sarah.

Susan.

Danny Boy.

And Salty.

A ridiculous collection of people.

Somehow, they had turned a disastrous first date into one of the best nights of the year.

Then Salty suddenly looked serious.

"Right."

Everyone stared.

"What?"

"How are we getting home?"

The Govna looked at him.

"Taxi."

Salty looked offended.

"Taxi?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Salty..."

"I have transport."

Everyone froze.

Danny Boy slowly turned.

"What transport?"

Salty pointed down the road.

A taxi was sitting at the kerb.

The driver looked terrified.

Salty shouted:

"NEVER MIND!"

He turned around.

"Walking."

The Govna laughed.

"That's probably the first sensible thing you've said all night."

They began walking.

After approximately thirty seconds, Salty stopped.

"Wait."

"What now?" asked McFinleyyy.

"I've lost my pint."

The Govna stared.

"You finished it."

Salty thought about it.

"Ah."

He nodded.

"Excellent."

And off they went.

Into the Dublin night.

The Misfits laughing.

The Govna shaking his head.

Danny Boy wondering how he'd ended up involved.

Emma smiling.

And Salty leading the entire gang down the street like a man who had just successfully completed a highly classified military operation.

He turned around.

"Same time next week?"

The Govna shouted:

"NO!"

Salty grinned.

"I'll take that as a yes."

And somewhere behind them, Winky shouted:

"WHO'S UP FOR CHIPS?"

Quags immediately answered:

"ME!"

Ye Olde Large Lad raised a hand.

"I am."

Whizzair started explaining where they should go.

Sarah and Susan laughed.

McFinleyyy shook his head.

Danny Boy sighed.

The Govna looked towards the heavens.

"Why me?"

Salty slapped him on the shoulder.

"Because, Govna..."

"What?"

"You're one of the Misfits now."

The Govna smiled.

"Unfortunately."

And together they disappeared into the Dublin night.

Because in the world of Stg. Salty and the Misfits...

a concert is never just a concert.

A first date is never just a first date.

And a quiet pint in Dublin?

Well...

that's just asking for trouble. 🍻🍻🍻

THE END — FOR NOW