I Went to Tesco for a Chicken and Came Home with a Second-Hand Toaster

 BIGSALTYDOG EXCLUSIVE: STG. SALTY TAKES OVER THE LATE-NIGHT SHOW!

“I Went to Tesco for a Chicken and Came Home with a Second-Hand Toaster!” 😂

A BigSaltyDog Comedy Special • Stg. Salty & the Misfits

The studio lights dimmed, the audience fell silent, and the late-night television band struck up a tune.

The presenter stepped onto the stage with a grin.

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's special guest is a man who has survived military missions, driven a Leopard 2 tank through situations that would make an insurance company resign, and somehow managed to get himself into trouble in three different supermarket car parks!”

The audience laughed.

“He is the founder of the Misfits, a man who believes every problem can be solved with a tank, a cup of tea, and a strongly worded complaint. Please welcome… STG. SALTY!”

The studio erupted.

Out marched Salty in his military uniform, polished boots and a grin that could have powered the National Grid. He waved to the audience as though he had just won the lottery.

In the front row sat the Misfits. McFinleyyy was already laughing, Govna had brought a packet of crisps, and Senior Miguel was checking his phone for the nearest taco restaurant.

Whizz was waving at a camera that wasn't switched on, while Finholio was trying to work out whether the audience were being paid to laugh.

Sarah, Susan, Amy and Anne were sitting together, looking suspiciously excited.

The presenter shook Salty's hand.

“Welcome to the show, Sergeant. It's lovely to have you here.”

“Lovely to be here, mate. Lovely studio, lovely audience, and I must say, the sandwiches in the dressing room were magnificent.”

“Thank you!”

“Although I did take six home in a carrier bag.”

The audience burst out laughing.

“You took six sandwiches home?”

“Of course! I'm a taxpayer. I thought they were included in the appearance fee!”

McFinleyyy nearly fell out of his chair.

Sarah covered her face.

“Oh, that Salty!”

And so it began.

### Chapter One: The Great Tesco Misunderstanding

The presenter settled into his chair.

“Salty, I understand you've recently had a rather unusual experience while doing your shopping?”

Salty leaned forward, folded his hands, and looked directly into the camera.

“Unusual? Mate, I've been through some things in my life. I've driven a Leopard 2 tank through a snowstorm. I've rescued Senior Miguel from Dublin's Fair City when he was stranded without a taxi. I've even attended a family wedding where the buffet ran out of cocktail sausages.”

He paused dramatically.

“But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared me for what happened last Tuesday.”

The audience leaned forward.

“It all started when Sarah gave me a shopping list.”

Sarah shouted from the front row.

“Only because you said we were out of milk!”

Salty pointed at her.

“Exactly! A perfectly reasonable request. Milk, bread, eggs, chicken, and a few bits for the house. Five minutes in Tesco, I said. Ten minutes maximum.”

Susan shook her head.

“That's what he always says.”

Salty continued.

“I jumped into the Leopard 2, drove into town, and parked outside what I thought was Tesco. I grabbed a trolley and marched through the doors like a man on a mission.”

The presenter nodded.

“So far, so good.”

“Absolutely. But something seemed a bit different. No enormous freezer section. No fancy self-checkouts. No massive display of crisps. Instead, there were second-hand books, old lamps, a collection of crockery, and a toaster that looked as though it had survived the Battle of the Somme.”

The audience roared.

“I thought Tesco had really gone downhill!”

McFinleyyy was doubled over.

Salty went on.

“I approached the woman behind the counter. Lovely lady. I said, 'Excuse me, love, where's your fresh chicken?'

“She smiled and said, 'We don't sell chicken here, dear. This is a charity shop.'

“I said, 'Oh, right. Is that the new Tesco Express?'

“She looked at me as though I'd just asked her to refuel a submarine with custard.”

The presenter was laughing so hard he had to wipe his eyes.

“And what did you do?”

Salty sat back, looking immensely pleased with himself.

“What any sensible man would do. I looked at the toaster, picked it up, and asked how much.”

“Two euro,” she said.

“Two euro? I said, 'I'll take it! Sarah's been complaining about our toaster for years!'”

Sarah threw her hands in the air.

“Salty! We have a perfectly good toaster!”

“Not any more, love. This one's got character!”

### Chapter Two: Five Golden Coins

The presenter was practically crying with laughter.

“But surely you realised you weren't in Tesco?”

“Not a chance, mate. I was only getting started.”

Salty reached into his pocket and produced five shiny golden coins.

The audience gasped.

“Now, these are what I call my emergency shopping fund.”

The presenter looked at the coins.

“Are those real gold coins?”

“No, they're five euro coins.”

“There is no such thing as a five euro coin!”

Salty stared at him.

“Well, there bloody should be. Have you seen the price of a chicken lately?”

The audience erupted.

Salty held up the coins.

“I threw these five golden coins onto the counter and announced, 'Right, love, that'll cover the shopping. And keep the change!'”

The presenter was laughing uncontrollably.

“What happened?”

“The lady looked at the money and said, 'That's very kind of you, but this is a charity shop. We're not Tesco.'”

Salty nodded thoughtfully.

“So I said, 'Brilliant! In that case, I'll have five bags of potatoes, two chickens, a packet of sausages, and a bottle of washing-up liquid.'”

The audience howled.

“She said, 'We don't have any of those things.'

“I said, 'Well, what sort of shop are you running?'

“She replied, 'We sell donated items to raise money for charity.'

“I said, 'Oh, I see. So you're selling things people don't want any more?'

“She said, 'That's right.'

“I looked at the toaster and said, 'Well, you're going to love me. I've got a microwave at home that makes noises like a dying helicopter!'”

McFinleyyy was now wiping tears from his eyes.

Govna shook his head.

“That's our Salty, that is!”

But the story was about to take another turn.

### Chapter Three: Salty Discovers the Food Bank

The presenter took a deep breath.

“Surely that was the end of your shopping trip?”

Salty shook his head.

“Not even close. I walked outside with my new toaster, and I spotted a sign next door. It said FOOD BANK.”

The audience began to giggle.

“Now, I thought, brilliant! Tesco must have introduced a new loyalty scheme. You buy your groceries, and if you're short of a few bits, you get some free food.”

The presenter buried his face in his hands.

Salty continued.

“I marched straight in. Lovely volunteers. A table covered in tins, packets of pasta, tea, cereal, and all sorts. I said, 'Morning, folks! I'm here to collect my Tesco order.'”

The audience exploded.

“One of the volunteers said, 'Are you here to donate food or to collect a food parcel?'

“I said, 'Both, if you've got any decent offers on!'”

Sarah was now standing up, laughing.

“Oh, that Salty!”

Salty pointed towards her.

“Don't you start, Sarah. You sent me shopping with no supervision!”

The presenter was struggling to speak.

“And what did the volunteers say?”

“They explained that the food bank provides food to people who need a bit of help. Lovely people doing fantastic work. I told them that was brilliant, and I asked if I could make a donation.”

The audience applauded.

Salty nodded solemnly.

“Then I remembered the five golden coins.”

He paused.

“I whipped them out and threw them onto the table.”

“Five euro?” asked the presenter.

“Five euro, mate. And I shouted, 'There you go! Five golden coins! Get yourselves whatever you need, and they'll do!'”

The audience burst into applause and laughter.

The presenter smiled.

“That was very generous of you, Salty.”

Salty waved his hand.

“Ah, sure, it's only five euro. Although, if I'd known I was going to be doing charity work, I'd have brought the Leopard 2. We could have delivered a few pallets of beans.”

McFinleyyy shouted from the front row.

“Don't give him ideas!”

Too late.

Salty was already planning a military operation involving baked beans.

### Chapter Four: Operation Tesco Goes Completely Wrong

The presenter turned towards the audience.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I think we need to hear from the Misfits. Sarah, what was your reaction when Salty came home?”

Sarah took the microphone.

“Well, I was in the kitchen waiting for him. He'd been gone for nearly two hours. I thought he'd got lost in Tesco.”

She paused.

“Then he walked through the door carrying a second-hand toaster, three books about gardening, and a bag of old buttons.”

The audience laughed.

“He announced, 'Good news, love! I've saved us a fortune!'

“I asked him where the chicken was.

“He said, 'There was no chicken, but I've helped feed the community!'”

Sarah looked directly at the camera.

“Oh, that Salty!”

The studio erupted.

McFinleyyy grabbed the microphone.

“I've got a question. Did he at least get the milk?”

Sarah shook her head.

“No milk. No bread. No eggs. No chicken.”

McFinleyyy nodded.

“Classic Salty. Goes shopping for dinner and comes back with a toaster that hasn't worked since 1997.”

Salty protested.

“It works perfectly!”

Susan shouted, “You haven't plugged it in!”

Salty looked offended.

“That's an administrative issue!”

Govna was next.

“I've been shopping with Salty before. We once went into a supermarket for a packet of biscuits. He came out with a paddling pool, a Christmas jumper, and a barbecue.”

The presenter looked astonished.

“What happened to the biscuits?”

Govna shrugged.

“He ate them in the car park while arguing with the parking meter.”

Senior Miguel took the microphone.

“I would like to make one thing clear. If Salty is ever sent shopping for tacos, I am ordering a taxi. I cannot take another afternoon like that.”

Whizz jumped up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. Operation Tesco is officially cancelled. We are now launching Operation Charity Shop!”

Finholio grabbed the microphone.

“Not so fast! I've just registered the toaster on an online auction. The bidding starts at fifty euro!”

Salty stood up.

“Fifty euro? For that toaster? It's worth at least sixty!”

Anne burst out laughing.

“Salty, you paid two euro for it!”

“Exactly! That's a profit of fifty-eight euro. That's what I call financial management!”

Amy shook her head.

“This is why nobody lets him near the household budget.”

The audience roared.

Susan leaned towards the microphone.

“Can I just say something? If Salty ever goes shopping again, I'm going with him.”

Salty looked horrified.

“What? And ruin my independence?”

Sarah smiled.

“Someone has to make sure we actually get the groceries!”

### Chapter Five: The Late-Night Shopping Challenge

The presenter stood up.

“Salty, I think we should settle this once and for all. We have a little challenge for you.”

A trolley was wheeled onto the stage.

Inside were a loaf of bread, a carton of milk, a dozen eggs, a chicken, and a packet of tea.

“Your mission is simple. You must identify which shop sells these items.”

Salty examined the trolley suspiciously.

“Is this a trick?”

“No, Sergeant.”

He picked up the milk.

“Tesco.”

The audience applauded.

He picked up the bread.

“Tesco.”

More applause.

The eggs.

“Tesco.”

The chicken.

“Tesco!”

The presenter smiled.

“And finally, Sergeant, where would you find a second-hand toaster?”

Salty grinned.

“Depends. Is it working?”

The presenter burst out laughing.

“Charity shop!”

Salty threw his arms in the air.

“Correct! Give that man a promotion!”

The band struck up a triumphant tune.

But then the presenter produced one final item: a tin of baked beans.

“Where would you find this?”

Salty stared at it.

“Tesco?”

“Correct.”

“Charity shop?”

“Possibly, if someone donated it.”

“Food bank?”

The presenter nodded.

“Absolutely. Food banks welcome donations of suitable, in-date food.”

Salty turned to the camera.

“Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Tesco sells your shopping, charity shops sell donated goods to raise money, and food banks help people who need a bit of support.”

For once, the studio fell quiet.

Salty continued.

“And if you've got a few tins in the cupboard to spare, or a few euro to donate, give a hand where you can. There are people doing fantastic work in our communities, and they deserve a bit of appreciation.”

The audience applauded warmly.

Then Salty ruined the emotional moment.

“But if you're donating a toaster, make sure it bloody works!”

The band went wild.

### The Grand Finale: Five Golden Coins and a Leopard 2

As the show drew to a close, the presenter turned to Salty.

“Sergeant, any final words for our viewers?”

Salty stood up, straightened his uniform, and looked directly into the camera.

“Absolutely. Next time Sarah sends me to Tesco, I'm taking a shopping list, a map, a sat-nav, and three members of the Misfits.”

Sarah shouted, “And your glasses!”

“Good point, love!”

McFinleyyy jumped up.

“I'll drive!”

Govna shouted, “I'll bring the biscuits!”

Senior Miguel yelled, “I'm ordering tacos!”

Whizz announced that he was in charge of navigation.

Susan immediately protested.

“Absolutely not! Last time you navigated, we ended up in a car park in the middle of nowhere!”

Amy and Anne were laughing, while Finholio had already started selling raffle tickets for the toaster.

Salty reached into his pocket and pulled out his five golden coins one final time.

He tossed them into the air.

“Five golden coins! And they'll do!”

One landed in the presenter's coffee cup.

Another rolled under the desk.

Finholio caught one and shouted, “That's going towards the toaster fund!”

The entire front row collapsed in laughter.

Sarah shook her head, smiling.

“Oh, that Salty!”

And somewhere outside the studio, the Leopard 2 engine started.

The presenter looked towards the exit.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Stg. Salty and the Misfits!”

The credits rolled.

And the moral of the story?

Always check the shop sign before you go shopping. Support your local charity shops and food banks where you can, and never, under any circumstances, send Stg. Salty to Tesco without adult supervision.

Because you might get your shopping.

You might get a second-hand toaster.

But you'll almost certainly get a story for BigSaltyDog.

THE END.