Dirty Dexter

 

🧂 The Misfits Discover the Truth About Dirty Dexter

Bonus points for the Govna for the source

It had been three weeks since Dirty Dexter officially joined the Misfits.

And, so far, things had been going surprisingly well.

Well...

Misfits-level well.

There had been no major explosions.

Nobody had accidentally driven the tank into a supermarket.

McFinley had only shouted “HOLD DA CHIPS!” twice.

And Quags had gone almost an entire afternoon without saying:

“SUPER GIGGGIDYYYY!”

Salty was beginning to think Dexter might actually be the sensible one.

Then came Tuesday.

And everything changed.

---

Something Wasn't Quite Right

The Misfits were gathered around the table at Salty HQ when Dexter walked in carrying a small black case.

Dinkz looked at it.

“What's that?”

“Work equipment.”

Sarah raised an eyebrow.

“What sort of work?”

Dexter smiled.

“Let's just say I like solving mysteries.”

Quags immediately appeared beside him.

“ARE YOU A DETECTIVE?”

“Sort of.”

“ARE YOU A SPY?”

“No.”

“ARE YOU BATMAN?”

“No.”

Quags looked disappointed.

“Are you sure?”

Dexter put the case down.

Inside were several perfectly organised items.

Gloves.

A torch.

Small evidence bags.

A notebook.

A magnifying glass.

And several other bits and pieces that made everyone stare.

McFinley slowly put down his chips.

“Dexter?”

“Yes?”

“Why have you got all that?”

Dexter smiled.

“I'm prepared.”

Ye Olde Large Lad nodded approvingly.

“Preparation is important.”

Sarah looked at Dexter.

“Why do I suddenly feel slightly nervous?”

---

The Missing Biscuit Mystery

The following morning, Salty discovered something terrible.

Someone had stolen the last chocolate biscuit.

It had been sitting on the kitchen counter.

Now it was gone.

“This is a serious matter,” announced Salty.

McFinley immediately looked offended.

“Why is everyone looking at me?”

“Because you steal food.”

“I don't steal food.”

“You stole my sandwich yesterday.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

“It looked lonely.”

Dexter stood up.

“Everyone remain calm.”

The room went quiet.

Dexter examined the kitchen.

He looked at the counter.

The floor.

The bin.

The empty mug beside the kettle.

Then he crouched down.

“What are you doing?” asked Susan.

“Investigating.”

He pointed.

“Chocolate crumbs.”

Everyone gasped.

Quags whispered:

“It's a professional.”

Dexter continued.

“There are footprints.”

Everyone looked down.

McFinley was wearing boots.

Large Lad was wearing trainers.

Salty was wearing slippers.

Dexter examined the footprints.

“Interesting.”

“Who did it?” asked Lucy.

Dexter stood.

“I know exactly who took the biscuit.”

Everyone waited.

Dexter pointed at Quags.

“You.”

Quags gasped.

“ME?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“You have chocolate on your face.”

Silence.

Quags slowly wiped his mouth.

“Oh.”

The entire room burst out laughing.

---

The Team Starts Asking Questions

Later that day, Sarah approached Dexter.

“Okay, Dexter.”

“Yes?”

“There's something we need to discuss.”

Dexter looked concerned.

“What?”

“Your name.”

“What about it?”

“Dirty Dexter.”

“Yes.”

“It's starting to make sense.”

Dexter smiled.

Sarah narrowed her eyes.

“You're very organised.”

“Thank you.”

“You like evidence.”

“Yes.”

“You're fascinated by investigations.”

“Yes.”

“You keep suspiciously neat little boxes.”

“Yes.”

“You work at night sometimes.”

“Yes.”

“And you've got a rather unsettling knowledge of forensic techniques.”

Dexter paused.

“Maybe.”

Sarah stared at him.

“Are you basically Dexter Morgan?”

Dexter smiled.

“I might have watched the programme.”

Susan walked over.

“You've watched the programme?”

“All of it.”

“The entire series?”

“Several times.”

Quags appeared.

“WHO'S DEXTER MORGAN?”

Everyone looked at him.

“The TV guy.”

“Oh!”

Quags thought about it.

“Is he a nice guy?”

Dexter hesitated.

“He's complicated.”

Quags nodded.

“Like Salty.”

“HEY!” shouted Salty from across the room.

---

The Investigation Board

That evening, Dexter made the mistake of leaving his notebook open.

Dinkz found it.

Inside was a detailed list of everything that had happened during the Misfits' last adventure.

McFinley — 17 chip-related incidents.

Quags — 11 unexplained decisions.

Ye Olde Large Lad — 4 structural accidents.

WhizzAir — 3 mysterious disappearances.

Salty — 9 questionable strategic decisions.

Dinkz started laughing.

“Dexter!”

Everyone gathered around.

Salty read his entry.

“Nine?”

Dexter nodded.

“You're actually being generous.”

Salty looked offended.

“Name one.”

Dexter opened the notebook.

“Spain.”

Salty frowned.

“Fair.”

“The tank.”

“Fair.”

“The supermarket.”

“Technically not my fault.”

“The ferry.”

“Definitely not my fault.”

McFinley raised his hand.

“Who drove onto the ferry?”

Salty pointed at him.

“Moving on.”

---

Dexter's Secret

Eventually, Dexter admitted the truth.

“Okay, okay. I admit it.”

Everyone waited.

“I've always been fascinated by crime dramas.”

Sarah smiled.

“That's it?”

“That's it.”

“You're not secretly a serial killer?”

Dexter looked horrified.

“Of course not!”

“Good.”

“I just like solving puzzles.”

Susan smiled.

“Then you're definitely in the right group.”

“Why?”

She pointed around the room.

“Because nobody understands what happens here.”

Dexter nodded.

“Fair point.”

---

The Final Test

Salty suddenly had an idea.

“Dexter.”

“Yes?”

“We have a mystery.”

Everyone became interested.

Salty pointed outside.

The tank had a flat tyre.

Nobody knew how.

Everyone immediately blamed Quags.

“I DIDN'T DO IT!”

Dexter examined the tyre.

He crouched down.

Looked closely.

Then stood up.

“I've solved it.”

Everyone gathered around.

“What happened?”

Dexter pointed towards the ground.

“There are fresh tracks.”

Everyone looked.

The tracks led directly to...

McFinley.

McFinley looked shocked.

“ME?”

Dexter nodded.

“You drove over something.”

McFinley thought about it.

“Oh yeah.”

“What?”

“A traffic cone.”

Salty stared at him.

“You drove over a traffic cone?”

“It was in my way.”

“It was bright orange!”

“I thought it was part of the road.”

Dexter shook his head.

“This team is going to keep me very busy.”

Quags put an arm around him.

“Welcome to the family, Dexter.”

Dexter smiled.

“Thanks.”

Salty climbed into the tank.

“Right. Let's go.”

Dexter looked at the damaged tyre.

“Are we sure that's wise?”

Salty started the engine.

“No.”

Dexter smiled.

“Excellent.”

And from that day forward, Dirty Dexter became the official investigator of the Misfits.

Whenever something disappeared...

Whenever something broke...

Whenever McFinley mysteriously acquired extra chips...

Whenever Quags claimed he hadn't done something...

There was only one person the Misfits called.

Dirty Dexter.

And Dexter always arrived with his notebook.

His gloves.

His magnifying glass.

And that slightly suspicious little smile.

Because around the Misfits...

there was always evidence. 🧂🔎😂