Clean-Up Required on Aisle 9

 

🍻 THE GOVNA STORY TIME

🛒 Clean-Up Required on Aisle 9

All credit goes to the Govna for this one

There are certain places in life where you expect to meet interesting people.

A pub.

A concert.

A wedding.

Possibly a nightclub at two in the morning when everyone suddenly becomes convinced they're best friends.

But the Govna?

He had discovered another location.

The local Tesco.

And apparently, it wasn't just the reduced chicken, suspiciously cheap biscuits and meal deals that were attracting his attention.

There were ladies.

Nice ladies.

Very nice ladies.

And the Govna had started noticing them.

Now, before anybody gets the wrong idea, the Govna wasn't the sort of man who went wandering around supermarkets causing trouble.

At least, that's what he told himself.

He was simply a man going about his business.

A man with a shopping list.

A man with purpose.

A man who occasionally forgot what he was doing when a particularly attractive woman walked past.

It had happened before.

He'd been to a few appointments recently, and he'd met some genuinely lovely women.

Friendly.

Funny.

Great personalities.

And, according to the Govna's highly scientific assessment...

“Not bad altogether.”

That was his phrase.

“Not bad altogether.”

Which, translated from Govna language, apparently meant:

“I noticed immediately, but I'm pretending I didn't.”

One afternoon, the Govna found himself in Tesco.

He pushed his trolley through the automatic doors with the confidence of a man who knew exactly what he wanted.

Milk.

Bread.

Butter.

Some biscuits.

And possibly something for dinner.

Although the Govna had a habit of entering supermarkets with five things on his list and leaving with approximately forty-seven.

He passed the fruit and vegetables.

Ignored the salad.

Walked straight past the healthy stuff.

And eventually found himself approaching Aisle 9.

That was when he spotted her.

A lovely lady standing at the shelves.

She was looking at a product.

The Govna wasn't entirely sure what product.

Because he wasn't looking at the product.

He slowed the trolley.

Then stopped.

He looked again.

She glanced over.

The Govna immediately became fascinated by a packet of washing-up tablets.

He picked one up.

Put it down.

Picked up another.

Read the back.

He had absolutely no idea what he was reading.

The lady smiled.

The Govna smiled back.

Then came the moment of truth.

She said:

“Excuse me, could I just get past you?”

The Govna moved the trolley.

“Of course, sorry.”

She walked past.

He watched her disappear around the end of the aisle.

Then he whispered to himself:

“Smooth.”

Very smooth.

He continued shopping.

Except now, mysteriously, he seemed to have forgotten everything on his list.

He walked into Aisle 10.

Then Aisle 11.

Then somehow ended up back in Aisle 9.

He looked at his shopping list.

“Milk. Bread. Butter.”

He had none of them.

What he did have was three different brands of biscuits.

“That's the problem,” he muttered.

“Too many distractions.”

And then...

SPLATTTTTTT!

The Govna nearly jumped out of his skin.

A bottle of shampoo had fallen from a shelf and landed on the floor.

A little blue puddle began spreading across the tiles.

A Tesco employee appeared at the end of the aisle.

“Sir?”

The Govna turned.

“Yes?”

“Could you just move your trolley for a moment?”

The Govna looked down at the mess.

Then at the employee.

Then back towards the direction the lovely lady had disappeared.

And that was when the Govna's brain did what it always did.

It produced the worst possible joke at exactly the wrong moment.

“Well…”

He paused dramatically.

“I've been to a few appointments lately where I've met some very nice ladies.”

The employee stared at him.

The Govna pointed towards the puddle.

“And now…”

He nodded solemnly.

“…we've got a SPLATTTTTT situation on Aisle 9.”

There was silence.

Absolute silence.

Then the employee burst out laughing.

The Govna grinned.

“I'll get my coat.”

“Please do,” said the employee.

But the story wasn't over.

Because when the Govna eventually reached the checkout, guess who was standing in front of him?

The lovely lady from Aisle 9.

She looked at the Govna.

Then at his trolley.

Then back at him.

“You found everything you needed?”

The Govna looked down.

Three packets of biscuits.

A bottle of washing-up liquid.

Two newspapers.

A frozen pizza.

And absolutely no milk.

“No,” he admitted.

She laughed.

“Bit of a disaster?”

“Every time.”

She smiled.

“Maybe you need to write a better shopping list.”

The Govna nodded seriously.

“I think you're right.”

She walked away.

The Govna watched her go.

Then looked at his trolley.

Then at the checkout assistant.

The assistant was trying desperately not to laugh.

“What?” said the Govna.

“Nothing.”

“You're laughing at me.”

“I'm not.”

“You are.”

The assistant scanned another packet of biscuits.

“That's €2.50.”

The Govna sighed.

“Put it on the bill.”

He paid, grabbed his bags and headed outside.

He had made it through Tesco.

No arrests.

No arguments.

No broken shelves.

And only one SPLATTTTTT incident.

A successful shopping trip by Govna standards.

He reached the car.

Opened the boot.

Put the shopping inside.

Then stopped.

His face changed.

He slowly checked the receipt.

He looked inside the bags.

He looked at the car.

Then back at Tesco.

He had forgotten the milk.

Again.

The Govna stood there in complete silence.

Then he heard a voice behind him.

“Excuse me?”

He turned.

It was the lovely lady from Aisle 9.

She was holding a bottle of milk.

“You forgot this.”

The Govna stared at her.

She smiled.

“You left it at the checkout.”

The Govna took the milk.

“Thank you.”

She smiled again.

“No problem.”

Then she walked away.

The Govna watched her disappear across the car park.

He looked down at the milk.

Then up at the sky.

And finally declared:

“Right…”

He climbed into the car.

Started the engine.

Paused.

Then grinned.

“Forget the shopping list.”

He put the car into gear.

“Aisle 9 is where I'm going shopping from now on.”

And just as he pulled away…

SPLATTTTTTT!

A seagull dropped something directly onto the windscreen.

The Govna slammed on the brakes.

Looked at the mess.

Looked at the sky.

And shouted:

“JESUS CHRIST! EVEN THE SEAGULLS KNOW ABOUT AISLE 9!”

And that, my friends, is the day the Govna officially discovered that Tesco wasn't just a supermarket.

It was a place of opportunity.

A place of romance.

A place of mystery.

A place where you could forget the milk…

Meet a lovely lady…

Get covered in seagull crap…

And somehow still walk away thinking you'd had a bloody brilliant afternoon.

THE END.

🍻😂🛒

And remember: if you're ever shopping in Tesco and you hear someone shouting “SPLATTTTTT!” from Aisle 9…

DON'T RUN.

It's probably only the Govna.