Chapter 5 A Salty crossover

 

🇮🇪🇺🇸 STG. SALTY AND THE MISFITS

Chapter 5 — The Great Tank Road Trip

The Leopard 2 rolled down the road.

Inside were the Smiths, the Griffins, Roger and every Misfit who had somehow managed to squeeze aboard.

Stg. Salty was driving.

Whizz was beside him.

Stan was sitting directly behind them, gripping the side of his seat.

Peter Griffin was holding a paper map upside down.

Roger was operating the sat-nav.

And Quags and Quagmire were sitting together in the back.

This was already a terrible idea.

“Where are we going?” Stan asked.

Roger looked at the sat-nav.

“North.”

“North where?”

Roger smiled.

“North.”

Stan sighed.

“That isn't a destination.”

Roger looked at the screen.

“It says we're going to… Birmingham.”

Salty frowned.

“We're in America.”

Roger stared at the sat-nav.

“Ah.”

Whizz leaned over.

“Maybe it's Birmingham, Alabama?”

Roger shook his head.

“No, it says Birmingham, England.”

Everyone went silent.

Stan stared at him.

“HOW DID YOU PROGRAM THAT?”

Roger shrugged.

“I'm internationally minded.”

---

PETER TAKES THE WHEEL

After three hours, Peter became bored.

“Can I drive?”

“No,” said Stan.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Just for five minutes?”

“No.”

“Three?”

“No.”

“Thirty seconds?”

Stan looked at Salty.

Salty shrugged.

“Let him.”

Stan's eyes widened.

“Are you mad?”

Peter climbed into the driver's seat.

Salty moved over.

“Okay, Peter. Nice and easy.”

Peter nodded.

“Got it.”

He immediately pressed the wrong pedal.

BRRRRRRRRROOOOOOM!

The tank lurched forward.

Everyone screamed.

Peter grinned.

“THIS IS AMAZING!”

Stan grabbed the seat.

“PETER!”

Peter laughed.

“I'M DRIVING A TANK!”

Brian covered his face.

“I knew this would happen.”

---

THE FIRST STOP

Eventually they reached a service station.

The enormous tank pulled into the car park.

Everyone climbed out.

The sight of a Leopard 2 parked beside a petrol station caused immediate confusion.

A man stared at it.

“Is that yours?”

Salty nodded.

“Yep.”

“Why?”

Salty thought for a moment.

“Long story.”

Peter walked into the shop.

“Do you sell doughnuts?”

The cashier nodded.

Peter returned five minutes later carrying four bags.

Lois stared at him.

“Peter, you bought enough doughnuts for fifty people.”

Peter looked confused.

“There are fifty people.”

“There are eighteen.”

Peter shrugged.

“Close enough.”

McFinleyyy nodded approvingly.

“Good man.”

---

THE SAT-NAV DISASTER

Back in the tank, Roger announced:

“Good news! I've found a shortcut.”

Stan immediately became suspicious.

“Roger, what kind of shortcut?”

“A scenic route.”

Salty looked at the map.

“That's a farm track.”

Roger nodded.

“Exactly.”

Whizz laughed.

“Brilliant.”

Stan pointed at them.

“No.”

Everyone looked at him.

“We are NOT taking a tank down a farm track.”

Roger smiled.

“Stan…”

“No.”

“But it says shortcut.”

“No.”

“But—”

“No.”

Salty looked at the others.

“Who's voting for the shortcut?”

Every Misfit raised a hand.

Peter raised both.

Quagmire raised his.

Quags raised his.

Even Brian reluctantly raised one.

Stan stared.

“You're all idiots.”

Ye Olde Large Lad smiled.

“Democracy has spoken.”

The tank turned onto the farm track.

Stan groaned.

---

THE MUD

For the first five minutes, everything was fine.

Then the rain started.

Then the track became muddy.

Then the tank began sliding.

Whizz looked out the window.

“Bit slippy.”

Salty nodded.

“Yep.”

Roger looked concerned.

“Is this normal?”

Stan shouted:

“NO!”

The tank slid sideways.

SPLAAAAAASH!

Mud flew everywhere.

Peter's face appeared at the window.

“This is brilliant!”

Lois shouted:

“Peter, you're covered in mud!”

Peter grinned.

“I've always wanted a mud bath!”

Brian sighed.

“I've never wanted to be here.”

---

THE FARMER

The tank eventually stopped.

A farmer appeared in the distance.

He walked towards them.

Everyone went quiet.

He stared at the Leopard 2.

Then at the Misfits.

Then at the Griffins.

Then at Stan.

“What are you doing?”

Stan pointed at Roger.

“He told us this was a shortcut.”

Roger waved.

“Hello!”

The farmer sighed.

“That's my field.”

Salty climbed out.

“Sorry about that.”

The farmer looked at the tank.

“You've destroyed half my field.”

Stan turned towards Roger.

“You're paying for this.”

Roger nodded.

“Absolutely.”

“How?”

Roger thought.

“I'll send you a strongly worded email.”

The farmer stared at him.

“No.”

---

QUAGS AND QUAGMIRE

While everyone argued, Quags and Quagmire wandered off.

They discovered an abandoned shed.

Quagmire opened the door.

“What's this?”

Quags looked inside.

“Looks like farming equipment.”

They found an old tractor.

Quagmire smiled.

“Want to race?”

Quags grinned.

“Absolutely.”

Ten minutes later, the two were racing tractors around the field.

Peter joined them.

Then Whizz.

Then Ye Olde Large Lad.

Soon there were four vehicles flying around the field.

Stan watched in disbelief.

“Why?”

Sarah shrugged.

“Because they're having fun.”

Susan nodded.

“Let them.”

Stan sighed.

“I hate road trips.”

---

THE GREAT AMERICAN DINER

Eventually, Salty managed to get the tank back onto the road.

They continued until they found a huge American diner.

Everyone piled inside.

The waitress looked at the group.

“Table for…?”

Salty counted.

“Twenty-two.”

She stared.

“And the tank?”

Salty looked outside.

“Table for one.”

The waitress nodded.

“Fair enough.”

Everyone ordered.

Peter ordered everything on the menu.

McFinleyyy ordered the same.

Ye Olde Large Lad ordered two breakfasts.

Senior Salty ordered tea.

Senior Miguel ordered tea.

Brian ordered coffee.

Roger ordered a milkshake the size of his head.

Quags and Quagmire ordered pancakes.

Stan ordered a burger.

Francine looked at him.

“Just a burger?”

Stan nodded.

“I'm being sensible.”

Five minutes later, he added fries.

Then onion rings.

Then a milkshake.

Francine smiled.

“Very sensible.”

---

THE FINAL DISASTER

After dinner, everyone returned to the tank.

Roger climbed into the driver's seat.

Salty stopped him.

“No.”

Roger looked offended.

“Why not?”

“Because you're terrible at directions.”

“I am not!”

Stan pointed at the road.

“You sent us to a different country.”

Roger folded his arms.

“That was one mistake.”

Quags whispered:

“It's been six.”

Roger glared at him.

“Traitor.”

Salty started the engine.

The tank roared.

Everyone cheered.

As they drove away, Roger looked at the sat-nav.

“Oh!”

“What?” asked Salty.

Roger smiled.

“We're actually going the right way now.”

Stan relaxed.

“Finally.”

Roger continued:

“Although…”

Stan opened his eyes.

“Although what?”

Roger looked at the screen.

“We're currently heading towards an airport.”

Everyone stared at him.

Peter shouted:

“ROAD TRIP TO THE AIRPORT!”

Stan screamed:

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Quags and Quagmire raised their arms.

“GIGGGIDDDDYYYY!”

The Misfits cheered.

Francine laughed.

Lois laughed.

Even Stan eventually started laughing.

The Leopard 2 disappeared down the motorway, packed with Americans, Irish Misfits, one extremely confused alien, a dog, a talking fish and enough doughnuts to feed a small country.

Salty looked across at Roger.

“Next trip, I'm doing the navigation.”

Roger nodded.

“Fine.”

Peter shouted from the back:

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”

Salty checked the map.

He paused.

“Honestly?”

Everyone leaned forward.

“I've absolutely no idea.”

Silence.

Then the entire tank erupted with laughter.

And from the back came one final cry:

“SUPER GIGGGIDDDDYYYYYYYY!”

TO BE CONTINUED… 🥳🇮🇪🇺🇸🚜